My Tourniquet
by juliet2219
Summary: After her twin brother dies a very depressed Bella is forced, by Renee, to live with Charlie in Forks. Here she meets a very sexy green-eyed Adonis. What is Bella's secret? Will Edward be the tourniquet to Bella's bleeding heart? Full summary inside.AH
1. Chapter 1

Full Summary:

Bella's seventeen-year-old twin brother dies in a horrible motorcycle accident. Bella struggles to accept her brother's death and has a very difficult time dealing with his absence. Bella blames Renee for her brothers' heart that stopped beating and Bella falls into a very deep depression.

After something tragic happens to Bella, Renee sends her to live with Charlie in Forks.

Bella meets the very sexy, very hot, green-eyed Adonis; Edward Cullen, and the rest of the gang of course. They take Bella in under their protective 'wings' as they can see that something is very wrong with her. They hope to help Bella and save her from whatever it is that haunts her.

Why does Bella blame Renee for her brothers' death? Will Bella trust Edward enough to tell him her secret and why she's being forced to live with Charlie? What will Edward's reaction be…will he be the tourniquet to her bleeding heart?

It's a story about forgiveness, love, honesty and friendship. It's a story about the bond between a brother and sister. It's the story about a girl overcoming her greatest fear which is living without her brother whom she loved more than anything else in this world.

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><p>I'm also busy with '<strong>LOW MANS' LYRICS'<strong>. Please check that story out…if you'd like.

Also…**Sleeping with the witness**…

Oh, and don't worry…this story is labeled 'romance' for a reason (No, I'm not speaking about 'lemons') I just mean that once Bella lays eyes on Edward, there will be a lot of flirt and fluff in the story, from both sides. She won't always be depressed. This is also the first time that I'm writing a story with so much fluff and flirt in. Hope you guys enjoy it…and review!


	2. Preface  Grieving for you

**Stephenie Meyer owns all the twilight characters and all things twilight!**

**Okay so here's the preface…don't worry about the accident of her brother; Bella will have flashbacks and you'll find out soon enough what happened.**

**Please review after you've read the chapter…I'd really like to know what you think.**

**The name of the preface chapter is inspired by 'Evanescence'**

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><p><strong>Grieving for you<strong>

**Preface…**

**Far beneath my nightmares and loneliness;  
>I hate me<br>for breathing without you.**

**I long to be like you;  
>lie cold in the ground like you.<br>There's room inside for two and I'm not grieving for you, because  
>I'm coming for you<strong>

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><p>"<em>Toni" I screamed and grabbed him by his shoulders, "Wake up, dammit!" I punched my clenched fists against his chest.<em>

"Bells" Charlie's voice brought me back to reality.

Reality…

I'm staring at my new reality; my brother's casket. My new reality is just that…he's dead, gone, as in not coming back. My new reality is loneliness.

I had a really, really strong bond with my brother. Knowing he won't be there anymore is just so fucked up for me. He was everything to me, everything manly possibly for a brother to be. I just feel so lost right now. So alone.

My eyes started scanning the people at the funeral…all dressed up and most of them had tears in their eyes.

I sighed as newly formed warm tears rolled down my cheeks.

Renee and I had a huge fight this morning because I refused to wear a dress. My brother loved me for who I am and that's how I came to his funeral. Besides, I feel like shit so I might as well look like shit.

I scoffed in sarcasm as the preacher went on and on about my brother. He hadn't even known him.

I plugged the earphones of my iPod in my ears and pressed play.

I stared blankly at the preacher and stared at how his mouth kept opening and closing as he blabbered on.

He knows nothing about Antonio; nothing.

I tore my eyes away from the preacher and looked to the casket. I was breathing heavier and my heart pounded painfully against my chest.

A week ago this grave meant nothing to me; now it was my brother's grave. I would have to come here and bring him flowers as his body is resting in the coldness of the ground while I'm still walking on this earth.

I raised my head to Charlie's side as a felt him nudge me in my side. I pulled out the earphones.

"It's time" he said and I sighed.

I stood up from the chair and felt my chest heaving and my breathing was hitched. I had a huge lump stuck in my throat and I couldn't swallow around it.

I reached for my back pocket and pulled out a recent photo of Antonio and me. I laughed in hysterics before I started sobbing. He has his arm snaked around my shoulders while his cheek was resting on my head. His smile was so big and it made his green eyes come alive. I had my head slightly tilt backwards against his chest and my eyes stared up at him, also with a big smile on my face. This was one of Toni's favorite photos of us.

I placed the photo in the middle of the casket against some flowers.

The last bit of strength drained out of me as I touched his casket. I fell to my knees and screamed in frustration. His cold, lifeless body was lying in this casket and it almost drove me insane to know this…no, to actually realize it and to actually let it sunk in drove me over the edge.

I'm frustrated because I'm unable to do something about the pain inside my heart. Frustrated because my brother is dead, and I won't ever see him again. I won't see his laughing face again or hear his husky voice and musical laughter. He won't ever comfort me again or give me advice.

I felt someone's arms around my waist, trying to pull me away from his casket. I grabbed onto some part of it and clung to it as if my very life depended on it.

"Noooooooo!" I screamed hysterical.

"You have to get up baby" Charlie said with his face against mine.

"Please don't make me leave him…please don't make me leave my brother, daddy" I cried. Mine and Charlie's tears mixed with our cheeks pressed against each other. I have last called Charlie 'daddy' when I was seven years old. I just realized that I need him more than I've ever needed him before.

"You have to get up and walk away Bella," he whispered crying with me.

"I can't" I yelled.

"Yes you can, Toni would want you"

"How could he want me to go on without him when the pain is just too unbearable and so excruciating? How could he expect me to go on with my life when even breathing is too painful?" I whispered.

Charlie didn't answer me; instead he picked me up and carried me away. I was drained; I had no strength left to fight him off. I stared blankly at my brother's casket as we're leaving him behind. Tears showered down my face and I clutched my shirt with my fist where my heart is as I felt the most excruciating pain ever.

"Goodbye Antonio" I whispered.

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><p><strong>Please review…and no, not all the chapters are going to be sad. I just want you to know about the funeral and a small part of Bella's pain.<strong>


	3. Chapter 1  First sight

**Stephenie Meyer owns all the twilight characters and all things twilight.**

**The name of the Chapter is inspired by Flyleaf!**

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><p><strong>First sight<strong>

**Chapter 1**

**The depth of my soul is in the depth of your voice  
>with words I've tried to find since I have been alive<br>this whole world stopped when you spoke**

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><p>I had no clue where I was; my first class is Trig…I groaned, but I don't know where that is.<p>

"You look lost" a shrill voice said with a giggle.

I looked up annoyed and two green eyes stared back at me. Her shortness reminded me of a pixie. Also her high cheekbones, sharp nose, sharp chiseled jaw and big green eyes with long black lashes. Her hair was pointing in all kinds of directions…She is beautiful though.

"Can I help you?" I asked annoyed.

"I think I should ask that question" she giggled again.

"I'm supposed to be in Mr. Varner's class" I sighed in annoyance.

She giggled and took my schedule out of my hand.

"I'm heading that way right now if you'd like to walk with me" she said.

"Sure" I smiled but I'm sure it didn't reach my eyes.

"I'm Alice Cullen by the way" she said.

"Bella" I simply said.

"Oh, you must be the Chief's daughter" she said in recognition and I nodded curtly.

"Everybody knows I was coming?" I asked horrified.

"Yup and everybody has been looking forward to meeting you" she said excitedly.

"Why?" I asked while my stomach turned and bile rose to my throat. I hate small towns.

"I have no idea because I'm pretty new myself" she giggled, "I just know that we won't be the main topic around the lunch tables anymore"

I groaned loudly hearing this. _Great_, I thought to myself.

"This is you" she said and chuckled. "See you around Bella" she said with a wave of her hand.

Alice Cullen, she's great…a little too bubbly, but still great.

I gave Mr. Varner my slip and he signed. He pointed me to a seat in the back of the class and I silently thanked him.

I hate Trig, I absolutely loath it. The class giggled when I tripped over my own feet and I flushed tomato red. Why did I have to be the clumsy one?

I opened the books that Mr. Varner gave me but instead of paying attention to his class, I sketched a picture on the blank page in front of me. It is something Toni and I was good at, drawing. I sighed and felt tears burn my eyes.

The tears started welling up when I realized what I've drawn. It's a sketch of my brother but it's not the Toni I remember; I've drawn him with blood covering his face and an open wound on his head. I looked in complete horror at the picture of my brother.

The school bell rang and I quickly closed my book and grabbed my bag and slung it over my shoulder.

"You must be Isabella Swan" a boyish kind of voice said while pulling me on my shirt. I pulled back and narrowed my eyes.

"Don't pull my shirt" I hissed.

"Um, sorry" his baby-face turned paler than his normal pale skin tone. "I'm Mike Newton" he said.

"Bella" I said and walked away. He ran after me and I sighed in irritation.

"Where's your next class?" he pushed.

"English with Mr. Mason"

"Do you want me to walk with you?" he asked.

"No, I'll be fine" I said. I know I was probably being very rude but he just didn't get the message. Besides, I'm not looking for friends… or boyfriends for that matter.

The next two of my morning classes went by fast and I was now on my way to the cafeteria.

When I got to the front of the line I only grabbed an apple and a soda. I don't really have an appetite.

I picked an empty table by a window and took a seat. I pulled my legs up on the chair and hugged them against my body. I rested my chin on one knee and stared out the window. It's been raining non-stop since I set foot in Forks. It's so annoying. Plus, I hate the cold, I hate the rain and I hate the snow and it seems that that is the only weather Forks is familiar with.

Toni and I barely visited my dad; we hated the weather. So, Charlie came to visit us once a year for three weeks. That was it…that was the quality time we had with our dad. It never bothered us, but it bothers me now. I have only had awkward moments with Charlie since I moved to Forks and it's pretty irritating.

I haven't even noticed the tears welling up until I felt them rolling down, leaving cold trails on my cheeks.

"Bella" a familiar shrill voice called my name and I felt her hand on my shoulder. I looked up in pure annoyance.

Alice gasped and pulled me in for a hug. I only sat there, feeling very awkward in her arms. I don't know Alice from shit but here I am, in her arms as she tries to comfort me.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"I don't want to talk about it" I said.

"What happened to you?" she sighed.

Tears streamed down my face and I quickly jumped up.

"I have to get out of here" I said and ran out of the cafeteria without falling, surprisingly.

The tears were coming full force now and raw sobs were coming out of my mouth. I didn't watch where I was going and I bumped into someone. Two arms encircled me to help me from falling.

"Um, sorry" I said and looked up into the deepest, greenest eyes I've ever seen. And then I met numerous shades of bronze tousled hair. I couldn't help but notice the hair secondly but it was perfect in an unruly kind of way.

"Are you okay?" he asked and his velvet voice, along with his green eyes hypnotized me and left me dumbfounded. "Hello" he said and waved a hand in front of my eyes. I blinked a couple of times and the wetness on my lashes brought me back to reality.

"Fine" I said and ran off.

I ran outside and inhaled deeply. The cold air made me gasp and the rain wasn't helping anything. Yet here I was, standing in the middle of the parking lot with the rain pouring on my face, soaking my clothes.

I'm not strong enough to do this. I'm not strong enough to be here alone and go through everything alone after I've been spending seventeen years of my life with a brother whom I love more than anything in this life.

"I just miss you so much" I cried and fell to my knees.

I was completely soaked and I have Biology next. Will I have the strength to go back to class? I just have to. I must get those stupid slips signed and get them back to the office after school. Plus, this is a small town and I'm sure the news that I've slipped on the first day would reach Charlie before he got home tonight. And I don't need Charlie to worry more than is already necessary.

I got up and made my way back into the school when I heard the bell ring. I don't like Forks. I have never felt more alone in my life than I do right now. Not only have I lost my brother but also all of my friends.

Life's a bitch; I thought to myself and actually smiled.

I handed my slip to Mr. Melina and he handed me books and signed my slip. I only had one option in this class; and it was next to…next to the boy I ran into a few minutes ago. He was reading something in a book so he hasn't seen me yet. I threw my bag down and his head shot up. Recognition flickered in his eyes and then smile spread across his gorgeous face.

I have never seen such beauty before in my entire life. He is made of pure beauty…he is the word beauty.

I dropped down on the stool and heard him chuckle. I turned my head to his side and saw the most gorgeous smirk on his face. His lips are so full, so silky…I pried my eyes away from his mouth and turned my attention back to the teacher.

"I'm Edward Cullen" he whispered.

I frowned.

"Family of Alice?" I asked with a grin.

He chuckled.

"Brother" he said. "I'm one of triplets actually" a crooked grin formed in the one corner of his mouth. I couldn't decide what was the sexiest part of Edward; his eyes, his hair, his smirk, his crooked grin, his voice, his lips or his body.

"Wow, really?" I asked.

"Yup" he said. "We have another brother; Emmett" he said.

"That must be great" I said feeling a little prick of jealousy. Since I just lost my twin-brother.

"It can be a bit much sometimes but yeah, it's great" he smiled. "You must be Isabella Marie Swan" he said and I cringed at my birth names.

"Just Bella" I said and felt the heat rise to my cheeks.

"Of course" he grinned.

"How did you know-"

"Everyone knew you were coming and since there are no other new faces I assumed that much. Plus, Alice told me after you ran into me"

"Great" I said.

Water dripped from my hair and for the first time since I came into class, I realized that I was dripping all over the class. The raindrops dripped off of my hair onto my books, my jacket was soaked, my boots were wet and not to mention my jeans. I'm a mess.

"You're soaking wet" he whispered.

"No, really?" my voice was thick with sarcasm.

He narrowed his eyes and I felt like an ass.

"I'm sorry" I said.

"It's okay" he smiled. "Take my jacket" he said and pulled his jacket off of his body and handed it to me.

"I can't" I shook my head, "You'll freeze"

"I'm still dressed warm though, you are soaked all the way through" he said. I took my jacket off and he helped me put his jacket on. I had to roll the cuffs up because it was too long for my short arms. The scent of the jacket was divine though and it smelled heavenly.

"Thanks" I said.

"Where did you run off to in break?" he asked.

"Nowhere" I said. "I just needed some air" I explained.

He didn't push for anymore answers and I was relieved.

After the class was up I grabbed my stuff and Edward did the same. He walked with me out of the class and I groaned when I saw that I had Gym the next hour. I hate Gym. I'm not good in any sports…good is a bit of an understatement. I'm horrible.

"See you tomorrow" Edward said and walked away.

"Bye" I whispered more to myself because he was already gone.

To my uttermost frustration, Gym felt like hours. I had knocked someone over the head with a tennis racket and if that wasn't embarrassing enough, I tripped over my own feet. No, this wasn't the embarrassing part; I tripped while we were standing in line and I made one hell of a collision. Everybody collided on top of each other. After the whole collision everybody roared in laughter while pointing fingers at me. I was the joke of the day.

Have I mentioned that I hate Forks?

At least there is one good thing about Forks; Edward Cullen. Even if I could just have the chance to stare at him all day it will be fine and it will be the highlight of my day. It will get me through every dreadful day.

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><p><strong>Please review and tell me what you thought of the first chapter. I would really like to hear from you guys…<strong>

**Who would like to know what's going on inside Edward's head? Review…**


	4. Chapter 2 Haunted by the nothingness

**The wonderful Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

**The songs and lyrics in this chapter belongs to Evanescence.**

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><p><strong>Haunted by the nothingness in your eyes<strong>

**Chapter 2**

**If only night could hold you, where I can see you, my love  
>then let me never ever wake again<br>and maybe tonight, we'll fly so far away  
>we'll be lost before the dawn<strong>

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><p><strong>EPOV<strong>

I reached for my lamp and switched it on. I groaned when I looked at the time, three in the morning. Great…just great. I'm going to look like shit at school. I haven't slept at all.

Why?

Because of two brown eyes. I can't get those eyes out of my head or out of my dreams. They're haunting me; the sadness in them, the terror in them, the hopelessness in them, the lifelessness in them and the excruciating pain in them. There is no joy, no hope, no life, no happiness in those beautiful brown eyes and it's haunting me every time I close my eyes.

I can't begin to imagine why her eyes are so full of pain and so hollow. I just know that it must have been something horrible, something terrifying and very, very sad.

I groaned and climbed out of bed. I walked down the stairs and went to the kitchen where I poured myself a glass of milk. I took a seat at the kitchen table and sipped my milk slowly.

My heart started racing when I remembered how she bumped into me. The electric currents that went through my body were beyond amazing. When she opened her mouth and her sweet voice spoke I felt my heart beat faster. Then she rushed off. I wanted to go after her but had no reason to do that. I didn't know who this girl was or what her name was and I don't think she'd be happy if I followed her. But I did…yeah, I followed her.

She was standing in the middle of the parking lot, sobbing loudly. Her shoulders were shaking uncontrollably and my own heart lurched at the sound of those excruciating sobs.

She was soaking wet from the pouring rain. Her dark locks were soaking wet and her clothes as well. She wasn't bothered by this as I saw her falling down on her knees soaking her jeans as well.

I couldn't hear what she said exactly but it sounded like 'miss you' or something like that. I turned around before my urge to go to her and comfort her won over the right thing to do which was turn around and go back to the cafeteria. I didn't know the girl and I don't think she'll appreciate my interference at this moment.

"What are you doing up, son?" Carlisle, my dad, asked while yawning. Dad is always the first one up because he is a doctor and he goes to work early.

"Couldn't sleep" I said.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"There's a troubled girl at school and her agonizing eyes haunts me, dad" I said.

He smiled at me.

"She new?" he asked while pouring himself a cup of coffee.

"Yup, the chief's daughter to be precise." I said.

"Ah, Isabella Swan" he sighed.

"Yup" I said and took another sip of my milk.

"Charlie just said she's going through some stuff. You know the Chief, he's a private person" dad explained.

"I know, but this girl has gone through something heavy dad. Her eyes are so lifeless, so hollow and so very sad." I sighed.

"You're pretty fond of her" dad said.

"I guess, you know me, I'm a happy-person and I hate to see other people in pain."

Carlisle nodded his head.

"I think you got that from me" Carlisle chuckled and I couldn't help but join him in laughter.

"My siblings have the exact same trade, dad. I think it's how we've been brought up by you and mom. The both of you are very compassionate people and we got it from the both of you." I said.

"You're right. I'm gonna get ready for work" he said and left the kitchen.

I was left alone in the kitchen and her hollow eyes ran through my mind again.

"What the fuck are you doing up Ed?" my brother's booming voice asked.

"Better not let mom hear you cuss bro, she'll rip your balls out" I said.

Emmett laughed.

"Whatever man and I suppose you ripping my balls out won't get her attention?" he asked.

"It will but your cuss-word will take up all of her attention" I smirked.

"How's Vicky?" he asked and he knew it would piss me off.

"What's the time?" I asked instead of answering his question.

"Seven" he yawned while scratching his balls. "Scared to answer to question Eddie?" he smirked.

"Is that really necessary?" I asked again ignoring his question.

"What?" he asked. I pointed down to his hand, busy scratching his balls.

"That" I said.

"You know Ed, sometimes I can't help but wonder if you are even a fucking man?" he roared in laughter.

"Emmett Cullen!" my mom said standing behind him with her hands on her hips and tapping her one foot in rhythm. She looked so much like Alice right now.

Emmett's eyes widened but then he narrowed them at me because I knew my mother was standing behind him all this time. It's funny as hell. No one can get to Emmett the way our mother does.

"Morning mom" he said, still has his back turned towards her.

"Don't 'morning mom' me with that filthy mouth." She chastised him and I chuckled.

"Sorry mom" he said and took a seat next to me. He elbowed me in my ribs and I groaned in pain. "I'll get you back for this one" he hissed.

"Looking forward to it" I smiled, "I wanted to show you I was a man but I guess we'll leave it for another morning. And by the way," I said while getting up from my chair, "Scratching your balls in front of people is just rude" I whispered in his ear.

"Whatever man" he said.

I approached my mom and kissed her on her cheek. "Morning mom" I smiled.

"Morning honey. You are up early" she said while starting breakfast.

"Couldn't sleep. I'm going to get ready" I said and grinned at Emmett. He made sure my mother's back was turned to us before he lifted his hand and showed me his middle finger. I chuckled while shaking my head sideways.

It would have been so cool if my mother had turned around at that moment. I would have laughed my ass off.

I took a quick shower and pulled on some blue ruined jeans, my sneakers and a blue button down shirt. I grabbed my black raincoat and went downstairs to the kitchen.

"Morning Ali" I said with a smile and my sister smiled widely.

"Morning Ed" she said.

I dished up some eggs and bacon and a piece of toast for myself and started eating.

"Ali, what do you think about Bella?" I asked.

She swallowed her food while shaking her head.

"Heartbroken" she simply said.

"You picked it up as well?" I asked and she nodded.

"When I approached her in the cafeteria, her eyes were filled with tears Edward. I don't know what happened to her, but it must have been horrible." She said.

"Are you talking about the Chief's daughter?" Emmett asked with a mouth full of food. I shook my head.

"Yes Em" I said.

"I have English with her" he said. "She's clumsy as hell, she almost tripped three times. Left the whole class in hysterics of course." He explained.

"What about you? Were you hysterical?" I asked in sarcasm.

"You know me Edward. I don't laugh at someone else's embarrassments or faults." He said. I believed him, we don't laugh at other people's faults. We'll rather befriend someone than push them away. We don't like it when people are hurt or being laughed at.

"We need to get closer to her and try to help her." Alice suggested and I nodded.

"I'm with you Ali" I said and Emmett nodded.

"I'm sure Rosie will help too" Emmett said.

After breakfast we got into my Volvo and we went to school. We were just in time to see the Chief drop Bella off in his cruiser. She had earphones in her ears and she was wearing a blue zip-up hooded jacket with faded blue jeans and sneakers. That color looks so beautiful on her skin, breathtakingly beautiful.

We got out of the car and I approached Bella alone. Alice and Emmett went to say good morning to their loves, Jasper and Rosalie; the Whitlock-twins. It's kind of funny that brother and sister dates other brother and sister.

Bella's head was bowed and she kept staring at the ground while she was walking. I stood in front of her and she stopped before bumping into me. She slowly lifted her head and I was once again struck with her pain-filled eyes. I can almost feel her pain, no, I_ can_ feel her pain and it's killing me. It's beyond excruciating and I feel suffocated.

"Morning Bella" I said.

"Hey" she said and tried to smile. At least she tried.

"What are you listening to?" I asked. "Will you share your headphones with me?" I asked. She gaped at me but pulled one earphone out and handed it to me. I put it in my ear and had to move very close to Bella to share the earphone and of course, it send my heart into overdrive. She pressed play and I immediately recognized the voice of Amy Lee from Evanescence. The girls' got some pipes and I love her music. The piano notes came clearly but the song was already halfway.

"**Halo, blinding wall between us…melt away and leave us alone again…the humming haunted somewhere out there. I believe our love can see us through in death"**

I gazed at Bella's beautiful face and my heart broke into a million pieces. A simple tear rolled down her cheek and my hand automatically reached out and I caught the tear before it left her face. I wiped her tear with my index finger while listening to the rest of the song. Bella's eyes stared into mine and what I saw in her eyes freaked me out.

"**I long to be like you, lie cold in the ground like you…there's room inside for two and I'm not grieving you, I'm coming for you…"**

Something in Bella's eyes told me that she took this song literally. Something told me that she doesn't want to live anymore. It's there in her brown pools and it's so obvious. She shut her eyes as if she was in pain. I pulled the earphone out.

"Evanescence is cool" I said. I actually wanted to ask her what the hell is wrong with her but I knew she would just run of.

"My favorite band" she whispered while she bit down on her bottom lip. She didn't look into my eyes again probably because her eyes were an opening into her soul just now.

"Will you join us in break?" I asked. She lifted her head slowly and just stared into my eyes. I don't know what she saw but it must have been something good.

"Okay" she whispered. My heart beat faster and I grinned.

"Where's your first class?" I asked and she sighed.

"Trig" she pulled a face and I chuckled.

"You don't like Trig?" I asked.

She shook her head. "I absolutely loathe the subject" she said.

"Come on, I'll walk you to your class" I suggested and she smiled. It reached her eyes and it made her eyes even more beautiful than they actually are. I can just drown in those two brown pools.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"One hundred percent" I nodded.

We walked to her class in silence and when we stopped at the entrance of the class my heart felt heavy. I don't want to leave her here especially since Emmett told me how clumsy she is and everybody laughs at her.

"Thanks for walking with me" she whispered.

"It was my pleasure" I smiled, "See you at lunch Bella" I said and my hand reached out and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. Her eyes turned so soft for a second and my heart went into overdrive. She is so beautiful.

I walked to my class but send a text message to Alice before I went in.

**Bella's joining us for lunch. **

I switched my phone off and went into my class. I can't wait for lunch to be with Bella again. I can't explain why I feel so protective over her. I don't even feel this way about Victoria…

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><p><strong>Who is Victoria? Can you guess? Next chap is BPOV and she meets the rest of the gang and she finds out who Victoria is. <strong>


	5. Chapter 3  Consumed by numbness

**Stephenie Meyer owns all the characters…I own all the Evanescence CD's.**

**So, Breaking Dawn is one month away…I'm super excited…Also, ANGELS & AIRWAVES' new album is being released in November so I have two things to look forward too. I'm excited about both…**

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><p><strong>Consumed by numbness<strong>

**Chapter 3**

**How can you see into my eyes like open doors?  
>Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb<br>Without a soul my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold  
>until you find it there and lead it back home<strong>

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><p><strong>BPOV<strong>

They were all waiting for me by the lunch table. I sighed. I had hoped that they had forgotten about inviting me to join them for lunch.

Alice waved her arm excitedly in the air, beckoning me to come to them.

_Great_!

"Bella" Alice hugged me tightly before she introduced me to the rest of the gang.

Emmett was their other brother, the other triplet. He was very big, muscular big. He had a friendly face; his smile with the two dimples in the corners and his eyes were all friendly. He also had the green eyes but Edward's eyes were more vibrant than Alice's and Emmett's.

Edward's eyes have the power to look all the way into my soul and it's scaring the hell out of me…because of what he might find in there while he's looking. I'm scared he'll see the numbness and the nothingness that's consuming me.

Rosalie was Emmett's girlfriend…and wow, just wow. She was painstakingly beautiful; tall, long golden hair, deep blue eyes framed by dark lashes and a body that would make any model green with envy. Rosalie was the kind of woman that make others take a hit on their self-esteem just by being in the same room with her. **(A/N: Stephenie's description of Rosalie is just the best)**

Jasper was Alice's boyfriend and he looked as though he was in pain. He has wavy blonde hair and icy-blue eyes.

After Alice introduced us I took the only open seat around the table, next to Edward. I don't know why I get so nervous around him but I'm even more of a cluts when he's around.

"Aren't you going to eat?" he asked me politely and I shook my head.

"Not hungry" I answered.

"Hey Bella" Alice said to get my attention. I was easily distracted, what, with two vibrant green eyes looking at me with so much intensity that I can just melt in them.

"Hmm" I said, tearing my eyes away from Edward's.

"Why don't you join us Saturday? We're going to Port Angeles, just us girls" she asked.

"Um, sure" I said but groaned silently. I don't feel like going anywhere, but I couldn't exactly say no to her.

"Great" she squealed and clapped her hands together. "Can you believe that we graduate in a month?" she asked to everyone at the table now.

My heart sunk into my shoes…this is a day I dread. Just to think that he would have graduated with me, he would have gone to college, he would have started a life of his own…now, now his cold body is just lying there in that cold grave. Lifeless…dead…gone.

"Are you okay?" his velvety voice brought me back to reality and my head shot up to his.

"I'm fine" I said and it came out sharper than I wanted it to.

"I'm sorry" I apologized softly when I saw the hurt expression on his face. "I'm fine" I said softer this time.

At that moment Edward's phone rang and he groaned. Emmett chuckled while pointing a finger at him.

"I knew Vicky was going to call" he grinned. I wondered who Vicky was.

"Hello" he answered while standing up from his chair and moved closer to the window. I could still hear his conversation because our table has suddenly stopped talking. Everyone was looking at Edward now, waiting in anticipation.

"What? I _don't_ have issues, Vic" he sighed and sounded really miserable.

"Who is Vicky?" I asked.

Emmett snickered.

"It's his girlfriend. They moved to Seattle two months ago" he explained.

"The thing is, Vicky wanted him to move with them but he refused…she cheated on him once. Plus, my parents would never allow it anyways" Alice whispered before Edward returned to his seat.

He ran his fingers through his tousled hair.

"You okay?" Alice asked him.

He laughed sarcastically.

"No, I'm not okay Al. She's driving me crazy and I don't know what the fuck to do?" he clenched his jaw.

"Just leave her" she said and scoffed. "The girl cheated on you Edward" she tried to make her point.

"Wow Alice, don't you want to stand on the fucking rooftop and announce it again" he sneered before he stormed off.

"I hate her" Alice said. "Edward used to be so happy until she came around and changed everything." Alice crossed her arms.

Who would cheat on Edward? If he was my boyfriend, I would cherish him forever…I won't even look at another guy. I shook my head _what the hell is wrong with you?_ I thought to myself. Stop thinking about him in that way, I chastised myself.

"We like to tease him about Vicky but actually his heart is broken" Emmett sighed.

"Edward will make the right choice" Jasper said for the first time. He was being quiet this entire time, watching all of us closely, as if he was trying to decipher our feelings or thoughts. His eyes were now resting on me and I felt uncomfortable.

"Will you be joining us tomorrow?" Alice asked when the bell rang.

"Sure" I sighed. I guess I can kiss my lonely day's goodbye with this gang. It's as if they made it their mission to befriend me.

Edward was already seated in Biology when I entered the classroom. I plunged down on my seat and took my books out of my bag.

"I'm sorry I stormed off" he suddenly said, his voice sounding tired and sad.

"You don't have to apologize to me Edward" I said.

"It's just, they don't understand how I feel" he sighed.

"I don't understand either but can I be frank with you?" I asked.

He frowned but nodded his head.

"If my boyfriend cheated on me, I would leave his ass" I said. "I mean, how much could I have meant to him if he cheated in the first place? So, why would I still want him or try again for that matter. He shouldn't have done it in the first place"

My breathing hitched when I looked into his vibrant eyes, where tiny crinkles have formed in the corners as Edward's lips curled into a lazy smile and turned crooked in the one corner. I literally had to tear my eyes away from his.

"So you don't believe in second chances?" he asked and my heart twisted in my chest. Sure, I believe in second chances…I mean I'm still here, but he doesn't know that Bella, I thought to myself again.

"I do believe in them but" I held my index finger up to prove my point "Some things just don't deserve second chances…cheaters for instance, they should have thought about begging for a second chance, before they cheated. Obviously, they think that they'll be forgiven and therefore continue with their cheating-habits and before you know it, it's no longer a second chance…but a third, and a fourth and fifth." I said.

"You're probably right but…"

"You don't have to justify yourself to me Edward. It's your life and therefore your decision, don't let other people make choices for you…that includes your girlfriend!" I said seriously before the teacher started his lesson and Edward couldn't say something back.

Even though I know he has a girlfriend, I still can't get him out of my mind. I have tripped more than once in gym because my attention is someplace else and, of course, it was to all my class mates' entertainment as they roared in laughter after every trip.

Charlie's cruiser was parked in the parking lot and I rushed to him. I just wanted to get home and be alone for a while. I'm not used to all the attention I've been getting today. Plus, giving Edward advice about his screwed up relationship made me think about my own life and my own choices. How wrong I was?

Charlie dropped me off and returned to the station. I started with my homework and after I was done I organized my room. I hadn't done it yesterday because I was too tired so I'm tending to it now.

I really need some new clothes but I hate shopping. I could do with some new CDs as well. I unpacked all my CDs and organized them on a bookshelf that was against my wall. I had a few novels, Wuthering Heights being my favourite and also organized them on the shelf.

After that, I went downstairs and started dinner which will only be hamburgers tonight. I'm not in the mood for big meals…I haven't eaten a proper meal in days. I have an apple every once in a while but that's about it. I lost my appetite, I sighed, along with other things.

When Charlie came home, his dinner was ready. He asked me if I wasn't going to eat and I lied, blushing crimson, and told him I already ate. I can't force food down my throat, I'll get sick. I'll eat when I'm hungry.

"Your mom called" he said after he swallowed his first bite of burger.

I ignored him completely.

"Bella" he urged.

"What?" I asked.

"Your mother called" he said clenching his jaw.

"I heard you the first time" I said, my throat thick with tears.

"Then answer me" he sounded mad.

"I don't want to talk to her" I whispered softly.

"Honey, what happened with Toni wasn't…"

"I don't want to hear it" I covered my ears with my hands.

"How are you holding up?" he asked in concern and that was it…that was all it took for the tears to roll down.

"I'm trying" I said.

"I know you are but sweetie, you need to talk to Renee" he said, cupping his hand over mind.

"Can we please talk about something else" I begged, tears rolling down my cheeks and my hands were playing with the hem of my shirt.

"I hate seeing you like this, baby" he said and rubbed his eyes. I could swear there were tears in his eyes but I couldn't be sure.

I stood up and gave him an awkward hug.

"I'll be fine, Dad. I just need time" I said. I inhaled the woodsy scent of my father and I suddenly felt so safe, so secure and so loved. Charlie isn't one to show emotion, but I just saw his emotions and I can feel them right now as I'm standing in the circle of his arms.

"I'm here if you need to talk" he said before he planted a kiss on my head.

"Thanks Chief" I smiled up at him and he grinned. How weird? I think Charlie and I just had our first father-daughter-moment.

"Just promise me…"

"I won't Dad, I promise. You're stuck with me" I tried to keep the mood light but Charlie's face turned sad.

"I've lost your brother, I can't lose you too" he said.

"Like I said, you're stuck with me" I said feeling even guiltier than I've felt before.

Everything I did…ug, I only thought about myself. Charlie never even crossed my mind while I was…

I closed my eyes trying to rid the images that's playing in my head. My one hand automatically went around my other wrist where I can feel the bandage, neatly wrapped around it to cover up my stupidity.

I went to my room and grabbed _My Chemical Romance's _CD from the bookshelf where I've organized them a few hours ago. It was a gift from Toni three days before his death. My grip tightened around the CD as new tears formed in my eyes. Why is this so hard?

A sob escaped my throat when I opened the CD-case and a photo-strip fell out and as memories flashed in front of my eyes my knees grew weak and could no longer hold myself up.

This was taken after he bought the CD for me and I put my half of the photo-strip in this CD-case. We were at the mall when Toni pulled me into a photo-booth and we posed for photos…all silly _pics, _of course, except for one; the last one.

I laughed hysterically as tears rolled down my cheeks while I'm looking at the strip; in the one photo his hands are clawed and his mouth is opened wide as if he was about to attack me or something and I held my hands in front of my face in defence…the next one we're laughing at the previous pic we just took. The last one pushed me over the edge. It was the last photo on the strip and I remember him gently pulling my head to his lips and planted a kiss on the side of my head while my eyes were closed…but I had the biggest smile on my face.

Tears were streaming down my face now as I remember this day and how much fun we had.

"_Love you sis" he whispered into my ear. "You are the best sister in the world"_

His words of that day are echoing in my mind and it sounds like a broken record, repeating it over and over and over again. My hands covered my ears as if it would stop his voice from echoing in my mind. The sadness consumed me and I sobbed hard.

That night I couldn't sleep at all. I was rolling around in my bed. Plus, the _whooshing_ sound of the wind through the trees didn't help in my desperation to sleep, in fact, it just made everything worse.

"_**Toni, where the hell are you?" I yelled turning around and around, standing in the same spot. There were tall trees around me and it sounded as if they were crying as the wind whooshed through them. **_

_**Something caught my eye in the farthest end of the clearing I was standing in. My heart raced in excitement when my brother started walking my way. I wanted to run to him but it felt like my feet was stuck in cement; I couldn't move.**_

_**As he approached me, my heart and stomach twisted. Blood gushed out of the wound on his head and his arm hung motionless to his side, blood streaming down.**_

_**I started crying and held my arms out to him but he just stood there. His eyes caught my attention; they were empty and grey-looking…but what frightened me the most was the hatred in them. I gasped.**_

"_**Why did you do this to me?" he hissed, pointing with his working arm.**_

"_**I…I…I…didn't…" I stuttered over my words as if my tongue tied.**_

"_**You let her do this to me Bella. This is your fault" he lashed out.**_

"_**No, Toni. I had no idea…" I cried.**_

"_**Liar" he yelled, his eyes filled with anger and hate. "I'm dead because you let her do this to me" **_

"_**Please Toni, no. If I had known I would have stopped her…I miss you so much" I sobbed loudly.**_

_**His laugh was ugly and his face pulled up in disgust. **_

I screamed out in horror as my body lunged forward. I cried out holding my hand over my throat. My throat was dry and my chest heaved up and down. That was the most horrible dream I've had in a long time. It doesn't come as a surprise to me though, heaven knows I already feel guilty that he's dead. The nightmare just multiplied my guilt.

I took a long shower and dressed in jeans and a navy blue sweater with sneakers. I made sure that the bandages wouldn't show and were tucked away under my sweater.

I went downstairs and made myself coffee. Charlie came down and after we said our 'good mornings' he poured himself a cup as well.

"Bad dreams?" he asked. Charlie never was a man to use a lot of words. He got to the point and that's it.

"You heard?" I asked, using no more words then was necessary.

"Yup" he said. "Aren't the sleeping pills helping?" he asked.

"I didn't take one last night and besides…" I looked down, "they don't keep the dreams away Dad, they just help me not to wake up and waking up to a bad nightmare is sometimes better than being able to not open your eyes and you keep seeing bad things"

"Wanna talk about it?" he asked. I thought for a moment and decided that if I tell him my nightmare, he'll try and justify _her _again and he'll justify me as well.

"No, I'll be fine" I forced my lips to smile "but thanks though" I added.

"Bella…"

"Not now, Dad, please. I'm going to be late for school" I said and went to my room to get my bag. I threw the sling over my shoulder and found Charlie already in the cruiser, waiting for me.

No matter what I think about or no matter how hard I try to forget about my dream…I can't. It's as if it's etched into my brain and it keeps rewinding and starts playing again. It's haunting me.

I sighed when the Cullen's were in the lot, waiting for me. This is going to be a long day…I'm exhausted, sad and feel miserable and are not feeling up to Alice's bubbly personality today.

They were all smiling at me and I forced myself to smile back. I ignored Edward's eyes when his forhead creased into deep frowns.

Edward came to my side and walked next to me after everybody greeted me.

"Why have you been crying?" he whispered. My head shot up and I looked up to him in surprise. "Your eyes are all puffy and red" he added when he saw my surprised expression.

"You don't have to tell me that I look like shit" I grinned, "I have a mirror and saw that for myself"

He stopped in his steps and I turned around to face him. His expression was unreadable and I couldn't decipher it.

"What?" I shrugged.

"I never said you looked like shit, or insinuated it. I can see that you've been crying and I asked why?" his tone was very serious and I giggled.

"Oh relax, Edward" I slapped him playfully "I was joking."

I was trying really hard to ignore his question because I know I will break down in front of him if I had to answer. His eyes were sincere now and I swallowed hard, my throat thick with tears.

"Bella" he whispered while pinching my chin between his thumb and index finger. My lip started quivering and I felt the damn traitor-tears well up.

"You can talk to me, you know?" he said and he was standing so close that his warm breath wafted over my face and it sent shivers down my body.

"I know" I forced out and I had to bite my bottom lip down to keep my lip from quivering even more. "I had bad dreams" I said and looked everywhere but his eyes.

"Want to talk about them?" he asked with concern.

"They were about my brother" I sighed and was shocked that I just told this stranger, who I've only met two days ago, about my bad dream. It's as if I have no control over my mouth and the words just roll from my tongue.

"I didn't know you have a brother" he smiled.

"Had" I emphasized the word! "I can't talk about this now" I said when I felt new tears form. I just managed to swallow the previous tears away without them rolling down my cold cheek; I won't be able to control these newly formed tears. I'm too emotional right now.

I didn't have the guts to look into his eyes and before he could reply, I turned around and stormed off. I know his going to ask me about it in break and I know in my heart that I'll tell him about Toni...I just don't know if I'll have the strength to do it.

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><p><strong>Please review!<strong>


	6. Chapter 4 The meadow and Toni

**Stephenie Meyer owns all the characters except Antonio…he's a part of my weird imagination.**

**I'm sorry this story's updates are not as frequently as my other stories but you won't believe what I'm about to tell you. I know exactly where I wanna go with this story but I'm having a really difficult time getting there. I have rewritten the chapters over more than three times. I'm not giving up though, this story is very near to my heart and I **_**will**_** finish it. **

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><p><strong>The meadow and Toni<strong>

**Chapter 4**

**And if I sleep just to dream of you  
>I'll wake without you there.<br>Isn't something missing?  
>(Evanescence)<strong>

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><p><strong>BPOV<strong>

For the first time since I started attending Forks High, I didn't wish the hour of the classes to go over. I dreaded the fact that I was so open and vulnerable in front of a boy I don't even know. Plus, I know he was going to ask me about it. So, now I was thinking of an excuse not to go to lunch. I can't think of anything.

The bell rang for break and my heart started pounding in my chest. I put my books in my bag slowly, very slowly and walked to the cafeteria just as slow. I was right. When I met his eyes from across the room, I could see the determination in them. As hard as I tried, I could not tear my eyes away from his. His vibrant green eyes kept mine captivated and all of a sudden my heart was in my throat, pounding so hard that I had a difficult time breathing or swallowing for that matter.

I decided to just get it over and done with, so I skipped the line to get lunch and walked straight to their table. The one corner of his lips turned into a crooked grin…and I thought it was really hot.

"Bella" Alice chimed, "you're still joining us tomorrow, aren't you?" she asked.

I smiled at her or tried my hardest to smile without drawing more attention to my sadness.

"Yes Alice, I'm still joining you" I sighed.

"Why don't you spend the night? We're doing a pizza-movie-night" she smiled "our Saturday-ritual" she added with a wink.

"I'll run it by Charlie and let you know" I said.

"You call your dad Charlie?" Emmett asked.

"No, I just refer to him as Charlie" I answered Emmett's question.

I could feel Edward's eyes on me and my fingers started playing with the hem of my shirt. I swallowed hard a couple of times before I even had the courage to look at him. My eyes slowly rose to his and I gulped.

"I want to talk to you" he whispered for only me to hear.

"I know" I whispered back.

"Will you go somewhere with me after school?" he asked. His eyes never looked away from mine and the moment was very intense.

"Um…" I pulled a face.

"I won't bite" he prompted.

"Okay, but I have to be back before Charlie comes off work" I warned him.

"Deal" he smiled that crooked smile again and my breathing hitched.

Edward and I walked to our class and took our seats.

"So," I started saying and waited for him to look at me. "How's Vicky?" I smirked.

"I wouldn't know" he simply answered.

"Okay" I said. He obviously doesn't want to talk about it and I didn't push him.

"You gave me a lot to think about yesterday and that's what I'm doing now, thinking" he answered after a few minutes. I looked up at him and smiled.

"Good for you. You don't deserve a skanky cheater" I chimed.

He scoffed and rubbed his forehead hard with his index finger.

"I'm sorry, did I say something wrong?" I asked shocked.

"No, it's not you Bella, you're right" he started saying and I frowned. "I'm just wondering" he sighed in frustration.

"What?" I prompted him to continue, feeling curious to what he wants to say.

"What do I deserve?" he finally caved but didn't look into my eyes while asking this. He looked so nervous and I gaped at him. When he finally looked at me, I gasped. There was a small hint of sadness in his eyes but also a hint of anxiety while he was waiting for my answer.

The teacher came in and started the class. I was relieved because I didn't know what to tell him. I'm not sure what it is that he wants to hear.

After Biology, he walked me to gym. Before he left he tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear and smiled warmly.

"I'll want the answer to my question this afternoon." He suddenly said and I groaned silently.

"You just wanna know everything, don't you?" I scoffed.

"Of course. Is there another way to get to know you better?" he simply said as if we were discussing the weather. He wants to know me, the real me? No one has ever wanted to know the real Bella, well, no boys actually. I had plenty of girl friends back home but no boyfriend. I always thought that I wasn't interesting enough.

Gym was the usual same old, same old. We played basketball and if I weren't tripping over my own feet, I threw the ball against someone's head. Let's just say that there are a few girls that are pretty pissed at me after today's gym. Normally they would laugh their asses off at my being uncoordinated but not today…no, today they were pissed off.

Edward was waiting for me at the exit of the class and I suddenly felt so safe. My heart started racing again and my stomach fluttered as if a thousand butterflies were flying around in there.

"Are you ready?" he asked.

"No" I scoffed.

He chuckled lightly.

"Good" he smirked. "What about Chief Swan?" he asked.

"I text him earlier to let him know that I was hitching a ride with you" I explained.

We walked to his shiny silver Volvo and he opened the door for me before he ran around and jumped in. He started the engine and I buckled up before he pulled away. Edward pressed play on his stereo and my hands started trembling when _My Chemical Romance _started playing.

"**Give me a shot to remember, and you can take all the pain away from me. A kiss and I will surrender; the sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead"**

I switched the stereo off and Edward chuckled.

"You don't like them?" he asked while concentrating on the road in front of him.

"I love them" I swallowed hard. "Just not today"

He leaned over me, eyes on the road, and opened the cabinet in the dashboard. He handed me a CD-booklet filled with CDs.

"Pick something else then" he smiled.

I went through the CD's and decided on _Three Days Grace,_ as it's been a while since I've listened to them. Edward smiled when he heard the band I've chosen.

"How far is this place anyway?" I asked when he climbed back in the car after he bought water and sodas.

"Not far, but we'll have to hike…"

"What? No, you never mentioned anything about hiking" I rudely interrupted him.

"Is that a problem?" he smirked again. I don't know which will drive me over the edge first; his sexy as hell crooked grin or that sexy smirk.

"I can't even walk on a flat surface without falling down not to mention taking a hike in a forest" I started to panic.

"I'll help you" he said.

I scoffed. This is going to be so embarrassing.

He stopped the car and we got out. We started our hike and Edward helped me all the way. He never got impatient with my slow pace or laughed when I tripped.

Edward suddenly stopped and held his hand out for me. I gladly placed my hand in his and he pulled me towards him.

"Go on" he urged and gently pushed me forward. I stepped out of the thick ferns and into the most beautiful sight I've ever seen.

It was a small meadow, surrounded by a perfect circle of tall trees and ferns. The grass was soft and had a yellowy color. The meadow was filled with thousands of wild flowers with a variety of violets, yellows and soft whites. I could hear a waterfall nearby and it added magic to this place.

I spread my arms and raised my head upwards and twirled around and around. For the first time since Toni's death a genuine smile spread across my face. It did something awesome inside my heart and I started laughing loudly, feeling so free. The feeling only lasted for a second though, because my dream suddenly made its appearance in my thoughts and I remembered Toni blaming me for him being dead. My laughter became hysterical and I couldn't control the tears any longer.

I pulled my outstretched arms around my torso and fell to my knees in the wet grass. Edward was by my side in an instant. His strong arms went around me and he gently rocked me back and forth. Raw, painful sobs escaped my mouth. Edward only hushed me while rocking me, his fingers traced different shapes on my back and it calmed me. He let go of me and looked into my eyes.

"Are you okay?" he whispered in a soothing voice. His eyes were filled with concern.

"I'll be fine" I tried to smiled but I know it was useless.

He handed me a bottle of water and I thanked him. I took large gulps as my throat was so dry from the sobbing and from the hiking.

My eyes burned from the crying and they felt puffy. Edward finally sat across from me and he sighed while playing with the soft grass.

"You don't have to tell me about him" he said softly. "I just brought you here because I thought you would like it. I thought maybe…" he looked away from me now, "that maybe you would find the same peace here as I do."

I stretched my hand out and cupped his hand that's playing with the soft grass. His hand froze under mine and I swallowed when I felt the jolts of electricity that rand through my body.

"I'm glad that you brought me here. I do find it peaceful here…" I said.

"Why did you start to cry then?" he asked unsure of himself all of a sudden. I've known him, what, three days, and I've never seen him this uncertain about himself or his actions.

"My nightmare destroyed the moment" I explained.

"Bella,"

"I know I don't have to tell you about him but I think I should" I said sadly. "Maybe it'll help me a little"

"Don't feel forced to do anything." He said. He was now tangling his fingers through mine and my heart sped up again.

"We were twins" I started and swallowed around the lump that formed in my throat. I looked away from Edward's vibrant eyes. I was now staring at anything except his eyes. I will break down if I have to keep looking in his eyes.

"Twins?" he asked astounded.

I nodded my head and looked down, my fingers playing with a white flower.

"His name was Antonio, Toni for short. He was everything to me" my voice broke at the last word and I didn't even try to wipe the tears away now. I'm pretty sure I was going to cry the entire time while telling him the story, so wiping the tears would just be a waste.

"My middle name is Anthony" Edward finally said. He was trying to lighten my mood and help me through the most difficult story of my life.

I smiled at Edwards' efforts and squeezed his hand. Edward waited patiently for me to carry on with my story.

"Toni had a motorcycle and three weeks ago some of his friends called him and they wanted him to meet them at the mall. He asked me if I wanted to go with but I said no. I was tired and was studying for a test. If I had known…" I stopped before I was going to say something stupid. I was going to say that I would have gone with if I had known that he was going to die.

Edward squeezed my hand again. It was amazing how he patiently waited for me to carry on, he never pushed me or urged me to finish. His thumb traced patterns on the back of my hand and it had a really good calming effect on my body.

"I was asleep when my phone rang. It was one of his friends, Alec. He told me that Toni was in an accident and I should come immediately." I said and the newly formed tears burned my eyes. I sniffled and made the mistake of looking into Edward's eyes. His were so sympathetic that the tears flowed over the rims of my eyes.

"I found the place where Alec told me it was. He was still waiting for the ambulance to get there and the police. Toni was hit by a truck without lights and passed out because he was drunk. Alec left the mall fifteen minutes after Toni so it meant that Toni laid in the road for fifteen minutes, alone, before Alec found him." I swallowed.

I gasped when I was suddenly standing at the side of the road looking down on my brother's body. I was no longer in the meadow.

_**I rushed to Toni's body and cried out when I looked at his face. He had a deep cut in his skull and blood was gushing out. His chin had a pretty deep cut. I emptied my stomach before I knelt in front of him. I placed my fingers on his wrist and sighed when I felt his pulse.**_

_**"Where the hell is the ambulance?" I screamed.**_

"_**I don't know Bella" he yelled back.**_

_**I bowed my head to Toni's ear while tears streamed out of my eyes.**_

"_**You will not die, do you hear me? You will not die. You're not leaving me alone in this world" I said determined. "Do you hear me Toni?" I cried. "I can't lose you. Fight Toni, fight for me. Please…fight" I laid my head on his chest and could barely hear his heartbeat. It was so weak and fear suddenly grabbed a hold of my heart.**_

_**The ambulance stopped and they dragged me away from my brother. I freaked out when they did this but they sedated me after they treated me for shock. Alec probably called my mom as well because I heard her voice before I fell into a deep sleep from the sedation. **_

"Bella" Edward's hands cupped my face and he was so close to my face now. I blinked a couple of times.

"Where were you just now?" he asked me.

"I was at the accident-scene" I whimpered.

"I'm so sorry that you had to see that. I'm so sorry that you found him before paramedics could" he said before he pulled me into his arms.

"When I dream about him…I see his bruised and battered face. I don't see the handsome face of my brother, only the fucked up face" I said with a trembling voice.

"I wish I could take those dreams away" he whispered.

"I don't…it's the only way I can still see him" I said honestly. Even if they are nightmares about Toni accusing me of his death, I don't care. Because at least I still hear his voice and see him. Edward didn't reply on my confession of how I felt about dreaming of my brother. Instead he asked something else.

"You said that his heart was still beating?" he asked and I nodded. "So then what happened?"

"The doctors declared him brain-dead" I sobbed.

"What?" he gasped.

"Said that he'll never wake up again. It's as if he was already dead" I cried hysterical now. "But he wasn't, his heart was still beating…his hand was warm whenever I touched it…" I yelled.

Edward turned pale as he sat back again with a horrid expression on his face. I could see his Addams apple move up and down as he swallowed a couple of times.

"Renee just waited for Charlie to come say goodbye to his son." I said and again I stood in the hospital room of my brother.

_**There were all kinds of machines linked to my brother. He looked so peaceful as he was lying there. Renee and Charlie were both standing on Toni's other side, crying. I held onto his hand and kept kissing his knuckles, begging him to wake up. I refuse to believe that he is already as good as dead, lying here. **_

_**My heart raced in fear when the doctor suddenly came into the room and went to the switch that's keeping my brother alive. My eyes widened in horror as I realized what he was about to do.**_

"_**NO!" I yelled. The doctor looked sad and then I realized that he had to have permission to do this. My eyes shot to my mother. She was sobbing loudly now.**_

"_**How can you do this?" I yelled hysterical. **_

"_**Bella" she said through sobs, "he's dead"**_

"_**No, he is not. He is alive" I screamed. **_

"_**A machine is keeping him alive. That is not Toni" she held her hand out for me but I looked at her hand in disgust.**_

"_**Please don't do this. Mom, I'm begging you to not do this" I was crying loudly now and Charlie was sobbing as well.**_

"_**Baby, don't make this any harder than it already is" she said.**_

_**I rushed back to Toni's side and grabbed hold of his hand.**_

"_**I love you so much Toni. Please wake up" I pleaded. I never saw the nod of my mother's head and never saw the doctor switching off the machine. I just heard the long, outstretched beep…knowing that his heart has stopped.**_

_**I fell down on my brother and held him tightly for hours, crying my eyes out. I inhaled his scent and tried to memorize it but it was hard with the hospital smell clinging to him. I ran my fingers through his thick hair and kissed him on his head. I tried to memorize every feel and every contour of his face. **_

Edward's eyes were filled with tears when I was back in the meadow.

"Charlie had to drag me away from Toni's room" I tried to smile through the tears. "Just like he dragged me away from Toni's coffin the day of the funeral"

"Renee and Charlie speak about Toni being gone. Do you know the full meaning of the word?" I asked. "It means being away from a place. Ruined. Passed away; dead." I said without waiting for his answer. "The meaning sounds so cold, so unattached and without love"

"You shouldn't look the meaning up in a dictionary. Dictionaries are not supposed to add any warmth or feeling to the explanations. That's just what they are; explanations and they're usually short." He said.

"I only realized that when I looked the word up. I never thought off a dictionary as a cold and heartless book before Toni's death" I smiled.

"I'm so sorry Bella" Edward finally said. The tears were gone now and he was the old Edward again.

"I hate her" I spoke my most inner thoughts and feelings out loud.

"Who?" he asked confused.

"My mother" I spat.

"No, Bella" he gasped in disbelief. "You can't believe that it was her fault. I would have done the same if I were in her shoes" he said to my surprise.

"No" I said.

"Would your brother have wanted to be kept alive by machines only? Not being able to speak, walk, laugh or waking up. He couldn't even breathe without the machines, Bella" he explained.

I cried out loud as his words sunk in.

"Why does he blame me for his death then?" I screamed out.

I heard Edward gasp and his eyes widened.

"What?" he asked.

"My nightmares…they are usually about Toni coming to me and blaming me for letting my mother switch off the machines" I whimpered again.

"It's just a nightmare, Bella. And if you want my honest opinion," he sighed "it's because you believe that your mother killed him. That's why you've been having nightmares about him. As soon as you forgive her and accept that she's not to blame for his death" he cupped my cheek with his hand and added "then I'm sure the nightmares will go away. You just need to get to that stage" he smiled.

"What if I can't?" I asked.

"I'm confident that you can. Besides, you started the process already" he smiled "by telling me about Toni" he added when he saw my confused expression.

"Thanks for listening." I smiled. "This might sound weird, but my heart already feels lighter."

"I'm sure it does. You've been keeping a lot of baggage with you" he smirked. My stomach turned when I thought about the other thing I've done but I'm not telling him that. He'll probably run away, thinking I'm a mental-case.

"I never thought loosing someone really close to me would be this painful or hard. I miss him so much and it's only been three weeks" I said.

"It gets better. Plus, you have me and my crazy siblings to help you" he added with a grin.

"Thank you Edward" I smiled genuinely and it felt good.

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><p><strong>So Bella's healing process started. She told Edward about her brother...what about her other secret? I know this was probably a sad chapter but the chapters will get happier from now on. Please review and share your thoughts…<strong>


	7. Chapter 5 Another secret

**Stephenie Meyer owns all the twilight characters.**

**Thank you so much for those of you who reviewed. Especially Biotech-gurl…I cried my eyes out just writing that chapter. I hope I can update more frequently and not let you guys down. **

**Here's the next chapter…Bella's on her way to healing her broken heart…**

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><p><strong>Another secret<strong>

**Chapter 5**

**It's true the way I feel  
>was promised by your face<br>the sound of your voice,  
>painted on my memories.<br>Even if you're not with me**

**I'm with you**

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><p><strong>BPOV<strong>

"Alice, I'm not buying a dress" I stomped my foot.

"What about prom?" she asked.

"That's easy, I'm not going" I simply said and grabbed the pile of clothes she threw down and went into a fitting room.

"But you have to go" she sighed.

"Urm, no, actually I don't" I smiled at her irritation.

"Bella, don't be difficult" she said annoyed.

"I really like these jeans you've picked out" I tried to take her mind off of the prom. I wasn't interested in some stupid prom and besides, no one has asked me yet anyways. Not that it matters because I'm not going. Plus, it's still two months away.

I picked out a few jeans and hoodies plus new chucks and after we paid for everything we left the store.

"Let's get something to drink" Rosalie suggested and I sighed. I was really thirsty.

Today was actually not that bad. Plus, I haven't thought about Tony the entire time. Usually, I can't get him out of my mind and I have this constant sadness in my heart. We just ordered milkshakes at a local restaurant in the mall.

"How long have you and Emmett been a couple?" I asked Rosalie.

"Five years" she smiled while sipping on her strawberry milkshake.

"Wow, that's really long" I almost choked on my milkshake.

"Em's just one big teddy bear and I love him to death" she said and her eyes lit up as if a million stars danced in them.

"You make a really hot couple" I giggled.

"Sure do" she smiled.

"Oh, whatever" Alice groaned.

Rosalie and I chuckled at her pissy mood. She's still pissed off that I refused to get any dresses and that I don't want to go to the prom.

The drive back to Forks wasn't long and definitely not boring. My heart was just beating heavy with every mile we got closer to Forks. In just a few minutes I was going to see Edward again and my stomach flipped in excitement. He was so sweet yesterday when I told him about Toni and so understanding.

I couldn't sleep at all last night because I was thinking of him the entire time. He is the first boy that ever touched my heart the way he has; the first boy to make my heart beat faster and the first boy to even have a slight interest from my side. I've never had interests in boys but Edward is so different…he's not even a boy. He is just so mature and so unbelievably sweet and so sexy. _He has a girlfriend Bella, remember! _I reminded myself and my heart lurched at the thought of his girlfriend. I don't like that she's hurt him and that she's cheated on him. Why do girls do that? She had the perfect guy and she cheated on him with another guy. The trust will forever be broken and the hurt will always be in Edward's heart.

Alice turned into a secret gravel path through the woods and after a couple of miles we turned into an entrance that led to a huge mansion. My eyes widened and I'm pretty sure my jaw dropped with my tongue hanging out like a dogs'.

The house had three stories and the windows were huge, floor to ceiling windows. From the outside the house appeared so light and so open with all the windows. It almost seemed to me that the house was made of glass. I grinned. Alice pulled into the driveway and parked next to Edward's Volvo.

"This is a beautiful house" I sighed.

Alice jumped out and when her and Rose noticed my face's expression; they roared in laughter. Alice had a bubbly laughter and Rose's laughter was like a soft melody or something. Together their laughter sounded like a beautiful harmonized symphony.

**EPOV**

I sat in front of my big windows on my black leather futon and kept thinking about Bella. She's been through so much already and my heart breaks whenever I think about how much she's hurting.

I leaned forward and breathed against the cold window. I started writing Bella's name in my breath and sat back as I watch it fade away. I stare at the blackness of the night and wonder what she's doing right now. Is she thinking about me the way I'm thinking about her?

I grabbed my hair in frustration. I need to end it with Vicky. I can't keep her on a line while I'm longing for another girl. And longing I am. I can't think about anything else but Bella. I can't even sleep without dreaming about her.

And now that she's opened up to me and told me about her brother and what she went through, it's even more impossible to get her out of my head.

It was after two in the morning when I finally fell asleep, dreaming of Bella of course.

"Edward" Alice yelled. "Please tell Emmett and Jasper that they have to come with to Port Angeles" she said.

I snickered.

"Don't laugh you dick," Emmett hissed into my ear. "You're coming with"

That got my attention and I shook my head.

"No Alice, I'm not going with today" I retorted. I wasn't in the mood for Alice's shopping spree.

"Why not?' she stomped her tiny foot and I roared in laughter.

"Well, we're getting ready for the movie-night tonight" I said because I couldn't think of a better excuse. Emmett rolled his eyes at me.

"That doesn't take the whole day" she crossed her arms now.

"Alice," I said calmly "I'm not going with and that's final"

"Even if Bella comes" she grinned. That sort of got my attention and I saw how Jasper and Emmett's jaws clenched. They shot me death glares, probably warning me that I should still say no. I chuckled.

"You almost had me there for a second" smiled at my sister.

"What do you mean?" she asked with a deep frown on her cute little head.

"I was almost tempted to go with" I laughed.

"So, what changed your mind?" she asked in irritation. Emmett grinned but he would be pissed if he knew that his death glare wasn't the reason.

"Bella wouldn't be in a pleasant mood while shopping with a demented little pixie such as yourself" I said in all my seriousness. Alice huffed and stomped away. Jasper high-fived me with a huge grin plastered on his face.

"I saw that Jasper" she yelled from the stairs. Jasper's eyes widened and he turned a little pale. Emmett and I laughed out loud.

After Alice left, I went to my meadow…just to think. Memories off Bella flashed in front of my eyes; her brown eyes swimming in tears and pain lingering in them all the time. I wish I could take her pain away…I wish I could help her heal. I'll do anything to get that excruciating pain out of her eyes and heart.

My heart ached when she told me about her brother. That must have been so hard on her and I can tell that they were very close. My body shivered when I thought about something happening to either Alice or Emmett. I can put myself in Bella's shoes if I think about it. It would be horrible, downright heart wrenching.

When I got back to the house I saw that I had numerous missed calls from Vicky. I sighed. I can't keep ignoring her, so I scrolled to her number and called.

"I've been calling you all morning" she lashed out. I sighed. This is how you greet your boyfriend, by lashing out over a few stupid missed calls.

"I was out" I said. My anger started building.

"Where?" she asked and the suspicion was clear in her voice.

"_You_ cheated on _me_ remember? I should check up on you, not the other way around" I said. I know it was a low blow but it was the truth.

"You're throwing that in my face" she said sounding shocked.

"You're treating me like a fucking child, Victoria, and it's starting to piss me off" I said.

"I just miss you" she started crying. Great! Now I've made her cry…again. I can't help but wonder; have I truly and completely forgiven her for cheating on me? Why am I still so angry whenever I think about it? Why do I treat her like shit? My answer came without the need to really go and think about it…NO, I haven't forgiven her. I'm pissed as hell.

"Don't start that shit with me" I said. "I have always come second in your life and I'm sorry, I can't do it anymore"

"What are you saying?" she asked.

"I just don't think I can continue with our relationship. I hate what you've done to me and I can no longer deny it. You thought so little of me when you cheated on me. You never valued our relationship…"

"I do value it. I love you" she sobbed.

"You don't know what love is because if you truly love someone, you won't hurt that person the way you've hurt me. I'm sorry but I can't forgive you for that and I'm just sorry that it took me this long to figure it out. I could have spared myself a lot of shit"

"Edward, please…"

"Goodbye Vicky, I wish you all the best" I said and ended the call.

Relief washed over me. I inhaled deeply and smiled. I'm free and it feels amazing. I can breathe for the first time in so long…really breathe without feeling a pain in my chest.

We heard the car pull up and Alice's bubbly laughter made me and the guys laugh. Alice has so much energy for such a tiny girl.

My heart started racing when Bella entered the living room. She looked…annoyed, I think. I don't know her that well so I can't decipher her feelings or expressions yet. But then again, she was out with Alice…shopping, that would piss anyone off.

Bella had more than ten packets in her tiny hands and I quickly jumped up to help her with her shopping bags.

"Are you sure you bought enough?" I teased. Bella huffed.

"No, I think I need some more" she said, her voice thick with sarcasm. I chuckled but then Alice squealed.

"Really Bella? You want more?" she asked, her eyes lit up and her face glowed.

"No" Bella said quickly and her face looked horrid. "I was being sarcastic" she explained.

"Fine" Alice huffed.

"She's pissed because I refused to get dresses" Bella leaned towards me to whisper into my ear. Her warm breath caused my body to almost explode.

"I'm sorry you had to endure that" I smiled warmly.

"Don't be, I needed new clothes…MY kind of clothes" she emphasized.

Alice took the girls into the kitchen to prepare the popcorn and get the pizza ready for the movies. I just wish they'd come back already, I missed Bella's presence.

The girls picked _Red Riding Hood_ and we groaned.

"We don't want to watch some children's story" Emmett tried to get out of the movie.

"It's not like that" Alice explained. "I bet you ten dollars that you wouldn't guess who the wolf is" Alice grinned. She knew how to win an argument with Emmett, just turn it into a bet.

"Deal" he laughed.

Bella had to sit next to me and my heart pounded in my throat. She smelled so sweet; like strawberries and freesias…I think. I grinned at my stupidity. I couldn't concentrate on the movie because of Bella's presence.

I took the time to explore her face while she was watching the movie. Her nose peaked up a little, in a really cute way, and was so small. She had the most adorable ears, also small and I had a sudden urge to suck or nibble on her earlobe. My eyes scanned down to her lips and from my side they were gorgeous. They were so plumpy and her bottom lip pouted out just a fraction of an inch and I bit down on my tongue because of my new desires. I was wondering what it would feel like if I had that lip between my teeth and tenderly nibbled on it. Suddenly her hand moved to her mouth and her lips parted slightly while she bit down on her thumbnail. I wish I was that thumbnail…I wish it was me inside her mouth.

I shook my head and moved up in the couch. What is she doing to me? I'm having a difficult time even breathing next to her and my heart keeps jumping up into my throat.

"Stop that" she whispered for only me to hear.

"Stop what?" I asked stupidly with a grin.

"Staring at me, you're making me nervous" she whispered again.

"I can't help it" I sighed. "You're just so gorgeous" I smiled and to my satisfaction, a very deep blush colored her cheeks and I had the urge to trail my fingers over her hot cheeks.

"What would Vicky say if she knew you were telling other girls they were gorgeous" she hissed.

"I don't know, because I broke up with her" I whispered. I heard her gasp and then she turned to face me. Her eyes met my gaze and the moment between us was very intense. It felt like the air was filled with electricity.

"Wow" she mouthed.

"Wow?" I cocked my eyebrow.

"That took guts and I'm proud of you" she whispered. I grinned widely.

"Thanks" I said. "Are you doing okay?" I asked her softly. Her eyes turned sad but she nodded her head.

"I'm glad I talked to you." She said sadly. Her hand came up to tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear when her hoodie's cuff lifted slightly and I noticed a bandage wrapped around her wrist. My hand shot out and I gently took her hand in mine, bringing it to my lap. Her eyes met mine and she blushed furiously. I gently rolled the cuff up with my free hand and although she tried to stop me, I was just too strong. Both her wrists were covered with bandages.

"What's this?" I asked.

"Nothing" she said and pulled her hand back to her own lap.

"Bella" I whispered.

"No, Edward. Please don't" she begged before she jumped up and ran to the bathroom.

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><p><strong>What do you think Edward's going to do now? Will he force Bella to tell him the truth?<strong>


	8. Chapter 6 Perfect in my weakness

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

**Theresa24 thank you for supporting yet another one of my stories and for all your reviews. **

**I'm so sorry I took so long with this update…**

**The song belongs to 12 Stones!**

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><p><strong>Perfect in my weakness<strong>

**Chapter 6**

**All my efforts to clean me  
>Leaves me putrid and filthy<br>And how can you look at me  
>when I can't stand myself<strong>

**(Flyleaf)**

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><p><strong>BPOV<strong>

His eyes tore through mine and the intensity in his eyes made me weaker than I already was. How could I have been so stupid? I should have kept my hand down…I should have held the cuff while I tucked on my hair…I should have…Oh, get over it Bella, I chastised myself. He saw my wrists and he already made his own assumptions. I mean, come one, he is not stupid. Why would there be bandages wrapped around someone's wrists? It's quite obvious.

I could see in his vibrant eyes that he was not going to let this go but am I ready to tell him the truth? I don't think so. I cleared my throat and did what I knew best…I ran! It was Edward's house and I had no idea where I was going, I just knew that I had to get out of that living-room; away from his scorching eyes.

I ran up a flight of stairs and into the first room that wasn't occupied. I closed the door behind me and exhaled loudly. I'm just so fucking paranoid; I just ran as if my life was in danger or something, as if a big bad monster were after me. I leaned against the door with my back and slid down slowly.

Only now I let my unshed tears roll down; in the safety of these four walls I let out the sob that threatened to escape in front of Edward earlier. Only now I let myself think about the bandages and what's hidden underneath them…

I viciously wiped the tears, which kept streaming down, away. I'll never be able to hide what's underneath the bandages…someone is bound to see it sooner or later. Do I want Edward to simply notice it or do I want to explain to him what happened and show it to him myself?

My eyes suddenly froze on the big black piano that stood in the middle of the room. The piano blurred through my tear-filled eyes. I slowly stood up and walked to the piano and plopped myself down on the black bench. My hands trembled when I opened the piano and the black and white keys shimmered in the nightlight that came through the windows.

I let my finger run through the white keys and my heart started pounding. I haven't played in so long…way before Tony's death even. Renee used to drag me to my piano classes. To be fair, I attended the stupid classes…for a while. I used to wait for Renee to leave then I would run away and skip the class all together. Tony freaked out because he used to say that our mother paid a lot of money for those classes and that I should stop my shit and attend the fucking class.

I sobbed out loud.

I took his advice, of course, and attended every single class and boring lesson. I would have done anything Tony told me to do, he was like my hero. I stood up from the bench and went to the window. It's not even night time yet but it's almost dark outside. My eyes stared at the heavy dark clouds and I sighed. I hate Forks. It's always raining…I'm always wet and cold in this crap town. I miss the sun, I miss the heat…I miss my brother!

I pushed against the window with my palm and leaned against the window with my cheek.

"I wish you were here Tony. I wish you didn't get on that damn bike. I still need you so much and my life and heart is just so empty without you" I whispered while a single tear rolled down my cheek. I lifted my head and dropped my hand, leaving a handprint on the window…slowly fading away.

I really like Edward and I want to believe that there can come more out of this newly found friendship than just being friends but I'm not getting my hopes up. I'm screwed-up and I'm pretty sure he will run away once he knows the real me.

My head shot up when I heard a knock on the door and my heartbeat sped up when his familiar velvety voice called my name softly. I couldn't help the big grin that curled my lips upwards and the sudden speeding of my heartbeat. My heart was now in full overdrive when I saw the doorknob twisting and his crazy hair made the first appearance before the rest of his face showed. I laughed softly and I noticed him sighing in relief and his body relaxed. He closed the door behind him and slowly walked towards me.

"Are you okay?" he whispered full of concern. I crossed my arms over my chest and turned my back to him to gaze out of the window again…staring into the blackness of the night.

"I'll be fine" I croaked out and my voice sounded so hoarse from all the crying and sobbing.

"I'm sorry I pushed you for an answer…"

"Edward, don't, it's fine" I interrupted him. I turned to face him. "I want to tell you, I'm just so scared" I let my head fall when I felt another round of tears forming in my eyes.

A thousand sparks exploded inside of me when his finger lifted my chin up to face him again.

"Scared?" he cocked an eyebrow and looked damn cute with the confused expression that spread across his face.

A nervous giggle escaped my lips.

"Do you play?" I asked pointing towards the piano.

"Are you changing the subject?" he replied. A low chuckle escaped his gorgeous lips before he answered my question. "Yes Bella, I play. Do you want me to play something for you?" he asked and I nodded my head anxiously.

He took my hand and I followed him to the bench of the piano. How does Edward Cullen do it? How does he take away the hurt inside my heart by simply being in the same room with me? How does he make me forget about my depressed life?

"This song really reminds me of you" he whispered before his fingers started playing on the keys.

"_Deep inside of your mind, you're forced to believe, that nothing's gonna change. So I take you by the hand and I lead you to a place…a place of happiness…like this…just try to find a place deep within your soul, and don't deny the child living deep inside. Open your eyes and find, this life's better than you know. It's in your hands now, just open up your eyes"_

His voice faded with the soft notes.

"I just toned it down a little with the piano and stuff." He explained without looking at me.

"I didn't know that you could sing as well" I laughed softly but my voice was shaky and my hands trembled. I dunno, I guess I was just a little nervous.

His warm laughter filled the room and also warmed my cold heart. His emerald pools locked with mine and I stopped breathing.

"How do you do that?" I asked mesmerized by his eyes.

"Do what?" he replied with confusion.

"Dazzle me" I replied without thinking. His low chuckle made my cheeks blush furiously.

"I didn't realize that I was dazzling you" he nudged me with his shoulder. The brush of his shoulder sent shivers down my body.

"You liar" I grinned and nudged him back just too simply touch him.

"I'm not, honestly. So, how do I dazzle you exactly?" he smiled.

"Whenever you stare at me like you did a few seconds ago, I feel hypnotized and even my lungs forget that they have a purpose inside my body" I said annoyed.

He threw his head back and roared in laughter. I huffed and crossed my arms.

"So you forget to breathe…and that's my fault" he frowned with a huge crooked grin plastered on his face.

"Yes" I replied quickly. Another round of laughter erupted from his mouth and I liked it. I like how he laughs; how his eyes lit up when he does, how his face glows and how his lips curls up revealing a small amount of white teeth and just a tiny glimpse of his tongue.

"That's just so unfair to blame that on me" he teased.

"_Pfft, _as if you don't know the effect you have on girls" I said.

"Actually I don't" he replied scratching his head. "Is it in my eyes?" he asked dumbly.

"No, it's not just your vibrant green eyes Edward. It's your chiseled jaw, your perfectly straight nose, that sexy crooked grin and the gorgeous smirk that forms on your lips sometimes, but most of all it's this crazy fucking hair that I don't know if want to brush or run my fingers through it" I said doing just that. I raked my fingers through his hair and shit, it felt amazing. So soft, so thick…

My eyes looked down on his face and I gasped. Shit! I just said all that out loud. Shit! Edward's jaw dropped and his eyes bulged out of their sockets but only for a second. The amusement in his eyes returned and was filled with sparkles.

"Quite a mouthful" he chuckled in amusement.

"I'm so sorry, I wasn't going to say that out loud" I offered an apology. Edward's hand cupped my cheek and to add to my embarrassment I leaned into his hand, closing my eyes in delightfulness.

"Don't ever apologize for speaking your thoughts. I really appreciate your honesty" he whispered.

"It's just you dazzled me again and I let my guard drop, I think, and blurted everything I liked about you" I blabbered again.

"It's fine Bella. Like I said, I like honesty" he smiled that crooked smile again and my heart turned to mush.

"I don't know why, but whenever I'm around you, I don't feel so sad anymore and I don't feel weak. I feel alive…I dunno how to explain it correctly but you take away the excruciating pain that consumes my heart and you fill it with happiness."

"You have no idea how happy that makes me Bella. I hate that you're sad all the time and I hate that you're hurting. I would do anything to take that away" he kissed the back of my hand and it felt like his lips were scorching my skin.

"I just want to be whole again. I just want to be able to breathe without it being painful, again. I want to sleep without the nightmares…"

My eyes met his and I wanted to get lost in his green pools. I wanted him to pull me into his eyes where there's so much happiness shining through and so much joy that I just want to drown in them. Edward makes me feel complete and I hate the fact that I'll have to return to my cold room where I'm consumed with constant sadness and grieving. I just wanted to stay here with him forever and laugh and laugh and laugh my depression away.

"What are you thinking?" he asked.

"I'm thinking that I never want to return to my room. I want to stay here with you where I don't think about my depression" I smiled.

"I wish that was possible but Bella," he took my hand in his before he added softly; "the only person who can help you with your depression is YOU. I will always be here and I'll help where I can but it's entirely up to you"

"I guess you're right" I sighed, "but you'll help me?" I asked uncertainty clear in my voice and probably on my face.

"I promise you that I'll be here for you and I'll help you through anything." He said with much more determination that was necessary.

"Do you want to know about the bandages now?" I asked with my head bowed down.

He gently lifted my chin up and his eyes scorched mine for a few seconds before he replied.

"Only if you want to tell me" he said so softly and so close to my face. His warm breath wafted over me and my breath got caught with my heart pounding in my throat. My fingers played with the hem of my shirt before I broke our gaze and looked down to my wrists which were safely covered with my shirt's cuffs.

I rolled the cuffs up and started rolling the bandage off. My hands trembled so much that Edward took my hand in his and as the tears rolled down my cheeks again, he kissed my forehead, so gently that I wanted to cry my eyes out. He took over and slowly, so tenderly, unwrapped the bandage from my wrist. Without looking at the exposed wrist he unwrapped the bandage from my other wrist.

After that, Edward gently wiped my tears away and kissed each eyelid softly. My insides were shivering from his gentleness and his tender touches and kisses.

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><p><strong>Please review!<strong>

**Sorry about the ending…next chapter will be up tomorrow! So review, review, review!**


	9. Chapter 7 A secret kiss

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters!**

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><p><strong>A secret kiss<strong>

**Chapter 7**

**Here I stand  
>Empty hands<br>wishing my wrists were bleeding.  
>There you stood<br>holding me**

**The warmth of your embrace  
>melts my frostbitten spirit<br>(Flyleaf)**

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><p><strong>EPOV<strong>

Before I unwrapped her wrists, I knew what was beneath the white bandages. I promised myself that I would not freak out or show her that it upsets me that she wanted to take her own life. I promised myself that I would help her through this very difficult time and I'll support her in every way I can.

I made that promise before I've seen her wrists…

I felt her hands twisting around in mine and her eyes were filled with fear before she looked down. My eyes followed hers and I groaned out loud when my eyes rested on her wrists. I felt the tears burning my eyes.

"Bella…" my voice faded and was replaced with an agonizing sob. "What have you done?" I choked out.

"I wanted to die" she simply said as if we were discussing the crappy weather of Forks.

"Why?" I swallowed around the lump that formed in my throat.

Her wrists were completely fucked. There were multiple cuts, very deep cuts, across her wrists. This wasn't long ago because the wounds were still raw and stitched up. The sight alone was so horrible that I had to swallow the bile back that was about to come out of my mouth. I wasn't prepared for this; nothing could have prepared me for this sight.

"The pain over losing my brother was just too unbearable. I tried to live without him, it was just too painful" she said softly. I could hear the tears in her voice. Her wrists still rested in my palms.

"Suicide is never the answer Bella" I whispered.

"I know that now" she laughed sarcastically. "I mean, I didn't succeed and my wrists will be scarred for life"

"You're pissed off that you didn't succeed?" I asked astounded and a bit pissed off myself.

"Wouldn't you be? I made preparations to die and I really wanted to die Edward. When I woke up in the hospital, well, to say I was pissed is an understatement." She sighed.

"You weren't relieved?" I asked again.

"No, I wasn't. Not until I saw Charlie" she explained. "Charlie cried so much and begged me to never leave him. That's when I realized how selfish I was being; he lost a son and almost lost a daughter. I wasn't the only one in pain and he didn't attempt suicide or anything. He lived through it and faced it"

"What about your mother?" I asked hesitantly because I knew how she felt about her mother.

"She's the one who found me and when I woke up in the hospital, she yelled at me. Then she told me that she's sending me to live with my dad. I was so consumed by nothing, I didn't really give a shit what she did" she said. More tears spilled over her brims.

"Please promise me that you won't do this again" I asked with my own eyes filled with tears.

"I already promised Charlie I won't try anything like this again" she ignored my eyes.

"Promise _me_ Bella, promise _me_ you won't do this again" I forced out.

Her eyes met mine and a raw sob escaped her throat. I quickly pulled her into my arms and rocked our bodies back and forth.

"I promise" she cried. "I'm so screwed up and that's why I was scared to tell you about my depression and suicide attempt. I was scared you would run away and never speak to me again." She continued crying.

"I am pissed but not because of your suicide attempt. I'm pissed over your reaction towards it. You act as if it's nothing, as if your life is worth nothing…that pisses me off because to be honest, your life means more to me than anything else Bella and it infuriates me that you think so little of your life…even now." I said, still rocking our bodies.

Her head shot up and her rich chocolate brown eyes scorched mine.

"Really?" she asked astounded.

"Urm, really what?" I replied dumbly.

"Does my life really mean more to you than anything else?" she asked with crimson cheeks. My hand shot up and I gently trailed a finger down her blushing cheek.

"Of course it does. Haven't you realized that I'm crazy about you?" I chuckled.

"I thought you were only feeling sorry for me" she sighed.

"You had my attention from that first day that you ran into me" I smiled down at her and she giggled.

"I was sad that day…"

"I know but your chocolate brown eyes even haunted me in my sleep and I couldn't get you out of my head" I said.

"My life means more to me now than it did before Edward. That's the best I can do and the best I can offer you now, is that I'm trying to live my life…not one day at a time but one second at a time" her voice trembled.

"That's all I'm asking for" I whispered. We sat in silence for a little while, just rocking back and forth. I loved having Bella in my arms; it felt so right as if she was born to be in my arms. I never wanted to let her go.

"Will you tell me what happened the day you slid your wrists?" I asked and she nodded.

"It was two weeks after Tony's death. I had really vivid nightmares about my brother and gave up sleeping all together, so Renee had me see a therapist and he put me on anti-depressants and sleeping pills. I was a wreck. I cried all the time and I yelled at Renee all the time. I really treated her like shit."

She sighed playing with her fingers.

"Renee left for work and I refused to go to school, again. I had a few razor blades so I started carving into my flesh. At first I only made two deep cuts but then I started to panic that it might not be enough, so I made more cuts. There were blood everywhere and I remember that I felt really dizzy. I must have passed out of something because the next thing I knew, I woke up in the white hospital room"

My eyes rolled down to her wrists and I sighed again. I took her hands in mine, staring at the horrible scars on her wrists.

"Renee forgot something at home and came back. She never checks on me but that morning she came into my room. She said I was covered in blood. She called the ambulance and…here I am" she smiled.

"Here you are" I smiled back. I raised her hands and as gently and tenderly as I was capable off, kissed her wrists.

"You're not appalled by the cuts?" she asked.

"I'm crazy about_ you_ Bella, not your wrists or any other part of your body, although every other part of your body is a bonus." I chuckled.

Bella moved away from me when there was a knock on the door. I was confused but let it go; maybe she's not ready for this or maybe she was just shy.

Alice's head popped around the door and she had a huge grin plastered on her face.

"Urm, sorry to bother you guys but we're going to bed. Will you show Bella to her room?" Alice asked me and I nodded.

"Bella, are you okay?" my sister asked in concern.

"I am, thanks for asking Ali" Bella replied.

"Okay, goodnight then" my sister sang in her shrilling voice.

Alice left the room and I thought Bella would move back into my arms but she didn't. I sighed. Just when I thought I was getting somewhere with her or at least understand her.

"Come on" I smiled and stood up from the bench. I held my hand out to her and she placed her tiny hand in mine. Scorching heat traveled up my arm and to every extremity in my body by just a touch from her.

I took her to my room on the third floor.

"You can sleep in my bed" I said. She turned around to face me.

"Where will you sleep?" she asked.

I pointed to the black futon next to the window.

"Where I usually sleep, my futon" I chuckled.

"That doesn't look very comfortable" she snorted.

"Hey, don't judge my futon. I'll have you know that my futon is the most comfortable bed in the whole wide world" I grinned.

"If you say so" she snort-laughed. I loved her laugh, no matter how ridiculous it sounded or how ridiculous it came out, I loved her laughter. I want to hear that sound forever and never see one single tear fall from her beautiful eyes. I want her to be happy all the time…be happy with me.

She excused herself to go to the bathroom and I quickly dressed in sweatpants and a tee before she returned. Bella was wearing the same as me but she still looked gorgeous.

I lifted the sheets for her to climb into my huge fucking bed and she giggled.

"I feel like a little girl" she giggled again. I smirked.

"Would you like me to read you a story?" I asked playfully and she snorted again.

"Yeah right?"

I took a seat on the end of the bed next to her. She sat up and her hands dove into my hair, raking her fingers through my bronze strands. Her eyes were watching her hands intensely and I couldn't look away from her eyes. If I leaned in just a fraction of an inch my lips would touch hers…I cleared my throat and her eyes gazed down to mine.

"I'll just get my crazy fucking hair to bed then" I teased her and to add to my delight, she blushed furiously.

"I love your hair" she whispered with blood red cheeks.

"I gave up taming them a long time ago. I don't have to style my hair it's crazy all by themselves" I chuckled again.

"Are you gonna tease me about that forever?" she huffed.

"Hell yeah, it's the first time that a girl referred to my hair as 'crazy fucking hair'" I smirked.

"Just so you know, I think you're an ass right now" she grinned and turned to her side. I chuckled again before I rolled onto my futon. After I switched the light off, I tucked my hands under the back of my head and stared at my ceiling in darkness. I could hear the steady breathing of Bella and I wondered if she was asleep.

My thoughts went back to earlier when she revealed her wrists. How depressed and sad must one person be to believe that you can't live without another person? I can't even begin to imagine what she went through and how sad she must have been. I remember the first day, not even a week ago, when she ran into me and I followed her to the lot. I remembered how she cried and how excruciating it sounded.

Then I thought back to a few minutes ago when she giggled and laughed and how her eyes danced in pleasure when she ran her fingers through my hair. There's a definite change in Bella since the day I met her but she's still hurting. I just want her to be happy and laugh all the time. I want her to enjoy her life and live it to the fullest.

I hate what she tried to do to herself but it was before I knew her and I can't judge her. I didn't know her before and I don't know the relationship between her and Tony…it must have been really, really close. I can't imagine losing Emmett or Alice, but to off myself because one of them died, I don't know about that. They would want me to live on and be happy; they wouldn't want me to kill myself because they died. _Okay Cullen, there's a big fucking difference between you and Bella!_ I argued with myself.

"I'm so sorry Tony" I heard Bella say and then she started sobbing, really painful sobs. "I'm so sorry" she cried again.

I quickly got up and ran to her side. Her body was rolling around in the bed and her face was wet from all the tears. My heart ached seeing her like this.

"Bella" I whispered while I took hold of her hand. "Bella" I whispered again.

Her eyes slowly fluttered open and I will never, ever forget the pain I saw in them.

"Did I wake you?" she asked in a trembling voice, her chest rising and falling.

"I was wide awake" I answered. "Why are you apologizing to your brother?" I asked bluntly.

"I told you this already; he accused me for letting Renee switch the machines off" she cried. I clenched my jaw and bit hard on my tongue to keep my mouth shut.

"We'll work on that" I whispered before I planted a soft kiss on her forehead. "Go back to sleep" I said.

Her arm went around my waist and she held tightly.

"Please stay with me?" she begged with tear filled eyes.

"Urm, okay, but only for a little while" I agreed with a heavy heart. Laying this close to Bella wasn't a good idea and to top it off, she moved closer to my body and rested her head on my chest. Our bodies lined perfectly together.

My fingers traced different shapes on her back and before long, her steady breathing was heard and I relaxed instantly. She was asleep. I took this time to explore her perfect face and I gently trailed my fingers over her closed eyelids, down to her cheeks and stopped at the contours of her luscious lips. She's so extravagantly gorgeous and I never wanted to take my eyes off of her.

I slowly leaned in and placed a tender kiss on her soft lips. Her lips burned mine and left prickling sensations on my lips. The one corner of my lips curled up into a smile. I kissed her…and it'll be my little secret.

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><p><strong>Please review!<strong>


	10. Chapter 8 No more nightmares

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

**Thank you too everybody who has been reviewing and for adding this story to their favorites. **

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><p><strong>No more nightmares<strong>

**Chapter 8**

**Contemplating you is like a dream  
>I never want to wake up from what I finally see<br>Perfect circles turn in orbit  
>Following a perfect path from your perfect hand<strong>

**(Flyleaf)**

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><p><strong>BPOV<strong>

The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was the contours of Edward's chest covered with a black tee. I was snuggled into his side, my arms wrapped around his waist. Edward's face was hidden in my auburn locks and one of his arms was draped over my side. I hadn't had one bad dream since he crawled in next to me.

Edward's breathing was steady and very deep. I could feel his warm breathing in my hair and it sent tingles down my spine.

My heart went into overdrive when I remembered him confessing that my life means more to him than anything else does. He basically said, in not so many words, that he's crazy about me and that I'm in his thoughts constantly. Plus, he didn't run away like I thought he would after he saw my wrists and realized that I'm a walking time bomb – just ready to explode any day now. He promised to help me and stand by me through everything. And he did just that last night when he comforted me after my nightmare.

He held me the entire night and I hadn't had a nightmare for the remainder of the night. I'm just so lucky that I was shipped off to come and live with Charlie where I've stumbled across Edward Cullen. The sexy Adonis who stole my heart by a simple glance. His piercing eyes caught my heart; hook, line and sinker.

"What's going through that sexy little head of yours?" his voice was lazy and hoarse while he spoke into my hair. He nestled his face deeper into my hair and inhaled deeply. I couldn't help but giggle.

"I was just thinking about your eyes" I smirked. He propped himself up on his elbow and rested his head on his fist.

"Really? What happened to my crazy fucking hair?" he smirked with millions of stars dancing in his vibrant eyes. I gasped at his beauty.

I slapped his shoulder.

"I'm torn between the two" I grinned while running my fingers through his thick bronze strands.

He chuckled lazily. I liked the sound of his laugh.

"Are my eyes just as fucking crazy?" he teased me. I smacked his shoulder again.

"No. Do you even realize how amazing your eyes are Edward? They remind me of windows; clear windows. Your eyes are so bright and expressive and so…so alive!" I whispered. "Your eyes have the power to look deep into my soul and…it scares me sometimes" I looked down, away from his scorching eyes.

"I've never heard a description like that about my eyes before. I've never experienced anyone describing my face or facial expressions the way you do…it's as if you took the time to write sonnets about every part of my body" he said seriously. The teasing tone in his voice was gone…for now.

"I just…I dunno, I love to explore your face and its expressions and sometimes I can think about a certain part for hours."

"Why do my eyes scare you?" he whispered while his finger trailed down my cheek, so tenderly that I wanted to cry from his gentleness. He treated me as if I was made of the finest porcelain.

"Only sometimes" I giggled before I added seriously, "I dunno, like I said before, it's almost like you can see all the way into my soul and I'm so scared you might see stuff you don't like"

"Bella, look at me" he ordered softly. I slowly raised my eyes to meet his gaze and I almost swallowed my tongue by the intensity in his emerald ogles.

"There's nothing on this earth that can make me dislike you or run away from you, nothing! Do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so" I replied. Edward cupped my face with his free hand and slowly leaned in. My heart started bouncing up and down in excitement. He was going to kiss me. I graced my tongue over my bottom lip and sucked my tongue back into my mouth, slowly parting my lips for his.

"Breakfast is…" Our heads shot to the door that flew open and I could feel the blood draining from my face and heating my cheeks all at the same time. A low groan escaped Edward's mouth as his hand dropped back to the mattress.

"Morning mom" he said and I cringed. This is Edward's mother? I haven't seen her because she and Dr. Cullen were out yesterday and I've only been in Forks a couple of days…but shit, Edward's mother was beautiful. Edward had her bronze hair and her green eyes.

She crossed her arms over her chest and clenched her jaw.

"This is Bella, Bella Swan" he said nervously and if the situation wasn't so serious I would have been in stitches by now from laughing my ass off. "This is my mother, Esme" he whispered to me

"Morning Bella" Esme smiled but she was clearly upset by something or someone.

"Morning Mrs. Cullen" I said with a trembling voice.

"_Pfft, _please call me Esme" she waved her hand.

"I'll talk to you later Edward" she said before she left the room.

"Are you in trouble?" I asked.

"No, we didn't do anything wrong" he said with a smile. Suddenly I felt very nervous and I just wanted to go home. I don't blame Esme for her reaction finding Edward and I in the same bed…if it was Charlie, Edward wouldn't be breathing right now. He would be on the way to the hospital with a few gunshot wounds to his chest probably ruining his perfect body. I smiled. Pretty lame Bella, thinking about his body in a serious situation like now.

"Your mother must think I'm a slut" I groaned and pulled the sheets over my head. Edward chuckled lowly before he pulled the sheets off of me.

"Don't ever think that and stop saying bad things about yourself" he chastised sweetly and I wanted to kiss him right then. He looked so sexy with his one eyebrow cocked; trying to be serious but his eyes once again gave him away. They were filled with amusement.

"I have to go home" I said after ogling his entire face once again.

"Running away from the shit you caused" he wiggled his eyebrows and I gasped before I roared in laughter.

"You're an ass" I smacked his arm.

"Why don't you get ready and I'll go drop you off" he suggested.

After I showered and got dressed, I went downstairs and had breakfast with the rest of the Cullen's. Alice gave me a smirk every once in a while and winked before she continued eating.

After breakfast I helped Alice clean up and do the dishes and then I said goodbye. Saying goodbye to Edward's mom was the worst. My cheeks burned when I looked into her beautiful green eyes.

"Goodbye Bella dear. Come back soon okay?" she said before embracing me in her arms. I almost cried right there. It felt so amazing to have motherly arms wrapped around my body.

"I will, thank you Esme" I said.

"I like your mother" I said on our way to my house.

"That's because you won't be meeting with her wrath tonight" he said and I couldn't decipher if he was being serious or teasing me again.

"Will it be that bad?" I asked.

He roared in laughter and I felt like kicking his ass if he wasn't behind the steering wheel right now.

"Bella my mother is the sweetest most compassionate person walking on this earth…sure she can be strict but she handles every situation with only fairness." He chuckled.

"Maybe she should smack you around tonight" I crossed my arms with a huff.

"You better watch your mouth Miss. Swan because I'm going to protect your virtue" he teased.

"Who says I have a virtue to protect?" I teased back. I roared in laughter when his eyes bulged out of their sockets and his jaw dropped.

"Urm, Esme will think you have a virtue to protect…I don't think I'll get into a lot of shit for lying" he said.

"Oh, silly Edward. You won't be lying" I smiled and his tense body relaxed immediately. I chuckled again.

My heart fell when he turned onto my street. I knew once he dropped me off, I would be alone in my room…alone with the memories. I'll sleep alone tonight with the same nightmares haunting me. Edward's presence wouldn't be anywhere near me and I'll think back again.

"Hey" he whispered and lifted my chin up. "What's wrong?"

"Urm, nothing. I have to go" I lied.

He sighed loudly and a deep frown formed on his forehead.

"I'll see you at school tomorrow morning" he whispered before he tenderly kissed my forehead.

I jumped out of the car and ran to the front door. Charlie was sitting at the kitchen table when I entered the house.

"Hey there Chief" I smiled.

His eyes widened and then his lips formed a huge smile.

"You're in a good mood." He smiled.

"I had a good time" I simply answered.

"The Cullen's are good people" he replied while sipping on his black coffee.

I poured myself a cup and sat across Charlie.

"Your mother called, _again_" he rolled his eyes.

"Yeah? What did she want?" I asked with a little less bitterness than the previous time Charlie told me she called.

"Your college applications came back and Dartmouth accepted you" he smiled. My heart started pounding.

"Really?" I asked excitedly.

"Yeah" he grinned. That would mean that Tony's came back as well. We filled them in together just before he died.

"I don't know if I can do this anymore" I sighed. The pain that ran through my heart was beyond excruciating.

"Bells, you can't keep putting your life on hold. Tony would want you to go and he would want you to be successful. You won't get another opportunity like this baby-girl" he whispered with tears filling his own eyes.

"Oh, dad, I miss him so much" I was in his arms before I even finished the sentence, sobbing my eyes out. His arms held onto me and his hands gently rubbed my back.

"Shh" he murmured. "I miss him too Bells" he said and I could hear the tears in his voice.

"I'll go to Dartmouth, Dad, for you." I choked out. "I'll make you proud"

"I'm already proud of you Bells" he sniffled.

"Thanks dad" I smiled with tear-filled eyes back at him and he smiled back.

"I don't wanna push you or anything Bells, but when are you going to call your mother?" he asked and my smile fell.

"I dunno, when I'm ready I guess" I said playing nervously with the hem off my shirt.

After our little chat I went to my room and my arms went around my torso on their own accord as if they knew I was going to fall apart in the coldness of my room.

I crawled onto my bed and hugged my knees tightly to my chest. I let my tears fall freely in the safety of my own room. I feel so incredibly lonely right now.

My phone vibrated, it was a message from Edward.

_Pick you up for school tomorrow morning_

I smiled, not only at his message but at my stupid heart for sprinting away by a simple text message from him.

**See you in the morning**

_Are you okay?_

With that question more tears streamed down my face. Shit, my eyes were like an overflowing river right now.

**I'll be fine, thanx for asking.**

_Why don't I believe you? You should start trusting me more_

**I do trust you Edward I just don't want you to constantly worry about me.**

_I do worry about you Bella and I'll always worry when you are not with me…get used to it. Stop lying about your feelings, please._

**Okay, I'm not fine, I've been crying since I walked through my dad's door. Happy?**

_Extremely, thank you. Why are you crying?_

**Can I tell you tomorrow?**

_Sure. Can't wait to see you again_

**Me too. See you tomorrow morning.**

_Just remember that I'm crazy about you okay? See you in the morning._

My heart tightened at the thought of Dartmouth. I won't see Edward for a long time…I don't even know what his plans are. How can everything have changed in just one week? Instead of me needing my brother so much, I now need Edward Cullen more. I need him to get over my brother's death. I need him to help me forget. I need him to help me feel alive again.

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><p><strong>Please review…<strong>


	11. Chapter 9 The birds and the bees

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

**Thank you for all the reviews and for everybody who has been reading this story**

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><p><strong>The birds and the bees<strong>

**Chapter 9**

**You tell yourself  
>that you are weak,<br>that you are so ugly.  
>And you cry yourself to sleep each night.<br>You're incomplete  
>but do you believe in a future you can change?<strong>

**Lift up your eyes  
>and see that choice is linked to destiny<br>(The red jumpsuit apparatus)**

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><p><strong>EPOV<strong>

"Mom, this is just so embarrassing" I cried out running my fingers through my hair in frustration.

"You think this is embarrassing? What if you have to become a father at the age of nineteen?" she huffed.

I gasped.

"We didn't do anything mom, I swear. Bella had a bad dream and I comforted her and fell asleep in the bed."

"I believe you but I just want to make sure that when you and Bella decide to have sex…"

"Ah, Mom, please don't do this to me" I interrupted her. Fuck, this is beyond embarrassing. Having a sex talk with my mother at the age of eighteen.

"If and when you decide that you are ready to have sex, promise me you will use protection at _all_ times" she emphasized the word 'all'. I could feel my cheeks burning bright red.

"I promise, can I go now?" I asked with my hands in my pockets.

"I'm so glad we had this talk" she smiled widely. I groaned, of course, but she thought it was really funny.

I ran from the kitchen as fast as my legs could carry me and when I turned around the one corner I ran full blast into my brother. I sighed. He was eavesdropping and I'm never going to hear the end of it.

"What the fuck Emmett?" I hissed. His eyes were filled with amusement.

"I just made sure that I got the sex-talk as well…I think I could use a few pointers" he roared in laughter.

"What makes you think I needed pointers?" I asked in irritation.

"Mom thought you might need some" he snickered again.

"Oh, fuck off" I blew him off with my hand and ran up the stairs to the privacy of my own room. What was my mother thinking? I swear she did this on purpose…we had the sex-talk years ago and she knew this. She just wanted to embarrass me right now and to top it off, Emmett overheard everything. Sometimes, I feel like kicking the shit out of Emmett.

I sighed. I'm worried about Bella. After our text messages, and her confessing that she's been crying the entire time, worried me. I just want to take her pain away…all of it.

The next morning I was really anxious to get to Bella's house. My mother lingered at breakfast, of course, and Emmett, well Emmett snickered the entire time without saying a word but I knew I was going to get it at school.

She was waiting for me outside her house and I couldn't contain the erratic beating of my heart. I'm never letting go of Bella, never.

I stopped the car in front of her house and leaned over to open the door for her. She hopped in with a big smile on her face but her eyes were puffy and red, which told me that she's been crying through the entire night.

"Morning" she smiled.

"Morning" I grinned when she ran her fingers through my hair. "I see you have an obsession with my crazy fucking hair"

"Again with the teasing Cullen?" she smirked.

"I'm starting to feel a little jealous over the fact that my crazy fucking hair gets more attention than I do" I pouted my lips and pulled a baby face. Bella threw her head back and laughed loudly. The symphony of her laughter filled my car and my stomach flipped. I want her to laugh like this, forever.

"I just can't help myself" she smiled. I started the engine and drove off to school.

"I'll shave my head, go bold" I teased when I stopped at school.

"No! Shit, no" she gasped and I snickered.

"_Pfft, _do you really think I'll shave my head now that I know my hair is a female attraction?" I teased her.

She smacked my arm playfully. I leaned over to whisper into her ear.

"I only want one girl, sweet, sweet Bella" I whispered. Her earlobe scorched my lips each time they touched her ear as I whispered to her. I chuckled when her body shivered and I saw tiny goose bumps form on her neck.

My door flew open and I stared back at a very amused, dimpled-face Emmett.

"Have you not paid _any_ attention to our mother's sex-talk?" he cocked his eyebrow seriously but his eyes danced in amusement.

Bella gasped next to me and Emmett roared in laughter.

"You had a sex-talk with Esme?" she asked. I groaned. I mouthed 'fuck-off' to Emmett before I turned to Bella. Emmett didn't get the message though, so he lingered at my side of the car.

"Can I tell you about it later?" I asked much to Emmett's amusement. I turned to him and shot him death glares.

"Do you mind?" I asked waving my hand so he can move out of my way.

"Hey bro" Jasper greeted me with a big smile.

"Jazz" I nodded. I wish I could hold Bella's hand but I don't know what the status of our relationship is. I want her to be mine and I want a relationship with her but I want to take things slowly, for Bella's sake.

Alice pulled Bella away from us and Jazz nudged me with his shoulder.

"Heard you got the sex-talk?" he grinned.

"Ah, fuck, why is this international news all of a sudden?" I moaned.

"Dude, an eighteen-year-old guy who gets chastised by his mother over sex is fucking hilarious" he snickered.

"Yeah, I swear she did that on purpose. She gave me that talk years ago and she knows I won't forget it. She just wanted me to stress a little, she probably had a good laugh afterwards" I croaked while pulling a face.

"Emmett takes after her you know?" my best friend smirked.

"Yeah, I know. Sometimes it's not so fucking hilarious?" I murmured.

"You're serious about Bella?" he asked changing the subject.

"Dead serious. I just don't know how to proceed without going too fast, you know?"

"That doesn't sound like you" he cocked an eyebrow at me.

"I don't know what Bella wants" I confessed.

"Then ask her" he replied quickly.

"You're right" I smiled.

Bella returned to my side and we walked to our first class.

"So what did your mom say?" she nudged me with a chuckle.

"She made me promise to use protection…after she told me about the birds and the bees and all the shit that goes with that" I smiled.

"What? You're not serious" she gasped.

"Oh, I'm dead serious. And to say I was embarrassed is an understatement. I wanted to die right in front of her" I said in irritation. Bella giggled to my delight.

"I'm so glad that I wasn't there" she smirked.

"Of course you are." I smiled. "So I was thinking, prom is a month away and I would really be honored if you would be my date"

"Dammit" she stomped her foot. I smirked in amusement.

"Why would you stomp your little foot like that? I just asked you to prom, not to get married or anything" I teased her and my heart fluttered when her cheeks turned crimson red.

"I was in Port Angeles Saturday and if I had known you were going to ask me, I would have bought a dress" she groaned and then a deep frown formed on her forehead. "And I can stomp my foot any way I like" she nudged me and I couldn't contain my laughter anymore.

"Is that a 'yes'?" I asked through my laughter.

"I will never deny you anything" she whispered when we stopped at her first class.

"That's good to know" I smiled, tucking a strand of her auburn hair behind her ear. "I'll see you after class" I swallowed hard.

"Bye" she waved her hand at me before she entered the class.

I feel like an ass. I'm crazy about this girl but I don't know how to proceed into this relationship. I've never had a girlfriend which heart was filled with so much hurt and agony before and it's really confusing me. I'm scared that I will fuck her up even more. Plus, I've never dealt with a girl that tried to kill herself before so you can understand my situation. I'm scared shitless, not of Bella but of her pain and the amount of it.

The day dragged until lunch. I met Bella at the end of each of her classes and walked her to her next class. I met her at her last class before lunch and we walked to the cafeteria together.

"Alice, I need to go shop for a prom dress" Bella rolled her eyes while she nudged me with her shoulder.

"Really? Ah, Bella, you just made my day" my sister squealed while clapping her hands together. "We'll go this Saturday"

Our girls started discussing the prom and the dresses and all that goes with it. Emmett had this stupid grin on his face the entire time, telling me that he was still thinking about my embarrassing moment with our mother.

I walked with Bella to Biology and after we took our seats, she turned to look at me.

"I wanted to thank you" she said shyly.

"For what?" I asked.

"For the talk, the comfort…just being by my side" she looked down.

I took her hand in mine and held it on my leg.

"I wanted to be there for you and I'm so happy that you felt you could share everything with me. I want to be there for you Bella and I want to help you through this horrible time. I never want to leave your side" I said seriously. A small smile formed on her lips.

"You're the best thing that ever could have happened to me" she said.

"I feel the same way" I whispered when the teacher walked in. We turned to him and paid attention to the class. My eyes kept roaming over Bella and my heart swelled with emotions I never knew existed.

After school, I drove Bella back to her house. She was quiet throughout the drive back and I wondered what was going on in that little head of hers. I really worry about her when I'm not with her. I know she cries a lot and I know memories come back to haunt her and I really wished that I could have stayed with her forever. I hate knowing that she's going through hell.

My eyes narrowed when I stopped in front of her house and a young man jumped out of an old beat up, red Chevy truck. He was definitely from the Reservation down in La Push. He was tall, as tall as Emmett, very muscular with short black hair. Bella climbed out of the car and I followed her.

"Bells" the boys' husky voice yelled in excitement and ran towards Bella. She looked confused at first but then she gasped and ran to him as well.

"Jake!" she yelled and ran towards him.

"I missed you so much" he smiled as she jumped into his arms. That little green monster called 'jealousy' crawled into my heart. I felt like kicking his ass for wrapping his arms around Bella.

"Wow, you've gotten big" she said in surprise.

"I've been working out" he said.

"Tony would have been so jealous" she smiled but sadness crossed her eyes.

His arms went around her again and he kissed her on her head. I saw red at that moment.

"I miss him too" he whispered and then his eyes met mine. He narrowed them. "Who is the guy?" he asked.

She pulled away from him and I saw her wipe her eyes. She turned back to me and her hand grabbed mine and pulled me to her. Her arm went around my waist and my heart swelled again. Jake's eyes widened and my smirk widened. _Yeah, you fucker, she's mine, _I thought to myself.

"This is Edward Cullen" she smiled and looked up at me, "This is Jacob Black, he's from La Push" she introduced us.

Jacob stretched his hand out towards me and I took it.

"So you're with Bella now" he smiled but I saw something else in his eyes. Jealousy perhaps…anger, I don't know but I didn't like it one bit.

"Yeah, I'm with her now" I said and smiled back but my eyes told him to back the fuck off.

I turned to face Bella and kissed her forehead.

"I have to go, Love. I'll call you later" I said. I didn't want to leave but I also wanted to give Bella her space. I don't want to be clingy or anything since I don't really know where our relationship is headed.

"Promise" she whispered.

"I promise" I sighed. I wish that she could trust me. I know it'll probably take some time.

"I wish you could stay with me forever" she said sadly and my heart almost broke.

"I was thinking the exact same thing earlier. I'll always be here for you Bella, that's the only promise I can make for now" I smiled. I squeezed her hand and she gave me a smile.

I climbed into my car and Bella waved before she turned to Jacob and they went into her house. I hated this but it seems they've known each other forever so I'll have to get used to it. It won't be easy but I'll do it for Bella…

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><p><strong>Please review.<strong>


	12. Chapter 10 Jacob Black

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

**I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and New Year's.**

**Thank you for all of the reviews and for reading this story. Thank you to all the favorite alerts and for supporting me in this story.**

****Don't worry about Jake, I had to bring him into the story because of a future chapter I have written and it was really important to bring Jake into the story****

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><p><strong>Jacob Black<strong>

**Chapter 10**

**Thank you for being such a friend to me  
>Oh I pray a friend for life<br>And have I ever told you how much you mean to me  
>Oh, you mean so much to me<strong>

**(Flyleaf)**

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><p><strong>BPOV<strong>

"Why haven't I seen you since you moved here?" Jake complained and pulled a sad face.

"I had a lot on my mind Jake" I sighed and handed him a mug of hot chocolate. I walked to the living room and heard Jake following me.

Jake plopped down on the couch with a huge smile. Shit, I've missed him. Jacob Black has been my best friend since…well, forever. We spent most of our summers with Jake…when we came to Forks but since we refused to come to this crap town any longer, Jake came to Phoenix to spent summers with us. I love him like a brother but, and this is a major but, Jake doesn't see me as just a sister or just a friend. He wants more from me…he even begged Antonio to talk to me about his feelings.

_**Flashback**_

_**I was sitting on my futon in front of my window when my brother knocked on my door and then entered. I smiled when I saw him approach me.**_

"_**Hey, where's Jake?" I asked. Toni cleared his throat and looked really uncomfortable while he took a seat next to me.**_

"_**Uhm, he's in my room…uhm Bells, how do you feel about Jake?" he asked. I've never seen my brother this way. I chuckled.**_

"_**Uh, Jake…wow, he's a friend" I sighed.**_

"_**Just a friend?" he asked.**_

_**I widened my eyes and scoot closer to him. I wrapped my arm around him and nudged him.**_

"_**Hey, what's this about?" **_

_**He sighed.**_

"_**Jake asked me to talk to you because he is in love with you and he-"**_

"_**Whoa, whoa, whoa…Jake's in love with me?" I yelped.**_

"_**Bells-"**_

"_**No, no, no, this can't be happening. Toni, he's like a brother to me and I don't share his feelings. Fuck, this is going to be awkward." I rudely interrupted him again. He wrapped his arms around me and chuckled.**_

"_**Bells, listen to me. I know you and I know you don't have romantic feelings for Jake. I just wanted to see your face..." I slapped him on his shoulder, "seriously though, he fucking loves you Bells and he is killing me with his constant babbling about how gorgeous you are or hot as hell or fucking sexy you are…believe me I know this, you're my sister and I think you're gorgeous but Jake is like a nagging old lady" he pulled a pained face.**_

_**I laughed and hugged him tightly.**_

"_**I'm sorry you are in pain" I pulled a baby face.**_

"_**Bells, never ever do something you don't want to do. Jake will have to get over this crush…if I don't make it through the night; just remember that I love you so fucking much" he winked and planted a kiss on my forehead.**_

_**I laughed at my brother as he left my room but then my smile fell as I thought about Jake. How can he do this to me? Nothing's going to be the same ever again…**_

_**End of flashback**_

"Bells, I miss you…I miss our talks and walks on the beach. Please, come visit me down at the Rez" he asked.

"Okay, I'll make a plan but Jake" I raised my finger at him "just as friends"

"Deal" he smiled widely and I felt like a little shit for pushing him away since I found out that he's in love with me.

"Come to La Push Saturday" he said with excitement.

"Uhm, I have to shop for a prom dress but how about Sunday?" I asked and groaned silently to myself. I hate to shop and knowing Alice, I won't be just shopping for a prom dress.

That night I laid on my bed thinking about my brother and how much I miss his advice and his talks. I thought about my weekend plans; Saturday with Alice and then Sunday with Jake.

I was thinking about Edward and how I would miss him this weekend. I felt guilty about my plans with Jake but I also felt like a little shit for ignoring Jake. Plus, I miss my best friend. He knows how I feel about him and he knows that I will cut him off if he tries anything funny.

The ringing of my phone brought me back to reality and when I saw the caller ID, my heart sprinted away.

"Hi" I answered with a big smile plastered on my face.

"Hi beautiful. What are you doing?" he asked and I could hear the smile in his voice.

"I was just thinking actually" I said.

"About?" he prompted.

"You and this weekend" I sighed.

"Why do you sound unhappy?" he asked and I could almost imagine him frowning and running his free hand through his crazy fucking hair.

"Because I'm going shopping with your demented sister and I've made plans with Jake on Sunday" I said.

"So, I'm not going to see you…at all?" he moaned, "What kind of plans did you make with Jake?" he asked and I could have sworn I heard him growl at the mention of Jake's name. Do I sense some kind of jealousy?

"I'm just going down to La Push and we'll probably just spend the day at the beach or something."

"Well, fine. I have to go Bella, I'll see you tomorrow morning when I pick you up for school" he said and I felt sad that he was hanging up so soon.

"Oh, okay. See you" I sighed and hung up.

The next morning I waited for Edward outside. It was freezing and the fact that I was nervous as hell wasn't helping my situation. My body was shaking uncontrollably. My eyes dropped to the floor when I saw his Volvo driving down the street. I bit down on my bottom lip nervously. He stopped next to me and leaned over to open the door for me. I climbed in without looking at him.

He sighed. "I'm sorry about last night"

I finally had the guts to look up and meet his eyes. I gasped…his eyes were dark and sad. Plus, I could see that he never slept last night.

"It's okay" I smiled. He leaned over and gently placed his soft lips on my forehead, which made my body shiver. I've never had these kinds of feelings before. On the one hand, it's making me very excited but on the other hand it's scary as hell.

We drove to school in silence but everything about our conversation last night bugged me. I want Edward to be honest with me about his change in mood last night. I know it had something to do with Jake and I know I have to tell Edward everything about Jake. And if he still feels the same way…I'll end my friendship with Jake because Edward is really important to me.

I'm absolutely, one hundred percent certain that I'm falling in love with this boy. He is helping me forget about Toni and the excruciating pain that's been buried deep inside my heart. I'm depending on him more and more and it's also scaring the shit out of me because we're graduating one of these days and I don't even know what his plans are for the future and where he's going or if I'm going to see him again.

"What's wrong Love?" he asked. I shook my head and met his eyes.

"I was thinking about our conversation last night and also that I should explain my relationship with Jake" I said nervously.

"Bella, it's okay. I was wrong to get jealous and I'm sorry-"

"Edward, Jake and I grew up together. He is my best friend…but if my friendship with him is going to upset you, I'll stay away from him-"

He lifted my chin with his index finger and I stared into his beautiful eyes.

"You'll do that…for me" he asked astounded.

"Of course I will. You are so important to me and I don't want to lose you" I smiled.

"You'll never lose me and I don't want you to give up your friendship with Jake." He smiled the most gorgeous smile and for a moment I thought he was going to kiss me…finally, but then Emmett opened the driver's side door. Edward groaned in frustration but Emmett just roared in laughter.

"Morning Bella" he boomed. Edward shot him death glares and a giggle escaped my lips.

"Morning Em" I giggled. Edward stared at me with contentment and the weirdest feeling crept into my heart…a feeling I've never felt before. My heart felt bubbly and all tingly…

"Can we go to the meadow after school?" I asked and Edward nodded.

"Sure, I can't wait to have you to myself for a while" he smiled as he climbed out of his car. I followed him and we walked to our first class.

The day dragged and when school was finished I almost jumped up and down in excitement. I was going to be alone with Edward for the rest of the afternoon and I couldn't wait any longer. Edward waited for me outside gym and I walked straight into his waiting arms. My heart swelled and calm filled my entire body as his arms enveloped me.

"Are you ready?" he asked and I nodded my head.

Edward drove closest to the meadow and we hiked the rest of the way. I loved the meadow…I love the flowers, the yellow grass, the musical waterfall…the clear sky.

"I wish you could see yourself through my eyes Bella" Edward's velvety voice said and harmonized with the bubbly waterfall. This place was like paradise…

I sat down on the soft grass and lay down on my back, staring up at the sky.

"Come lay with me" I whispered. His body lined up with mine and everything felt so perfect.

"I wish I could see myself through your eyes too" I sighed. Edward rolled to his side and propped himself onto his elbow. I looked into his eyes and he gently tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear.

"You are so beautiful" he whispered.

He leaned closer with his lips almost touching mine. My heart went into overdrive and my tongue graced my lips in anticipation.

"I wanna kiss you so badly" he whispered in a trembling voice and I gasped as his warm breath wafted over my face.

"Then kiss me" I whispered back and before I knew it, his lips hovered over mine…slowly, as if tasting my lips. His lips tasted like the sweetest wine and were so incredibly soft. His lips moved over mine and my lips moved in perfect unison with his. It was as if our lips were made for each other. Edward kept the kiss chaste and I wanted to scream in frustration because I wanted more…my body wanted more.

I moaned loudly when he pulled away with a smile on his face.

"That was absolutely fucking amazing," he smiled and gave me another peck on my lips. I wanted to taste his mouth, his tongue. I wanted to know what it would feel like having his tongue in my mouth, gracing my tongue with his…

"Wow" I agreed as I snaked my arms around his neck, "and there wasn't even tongue" I complained.

To my surprise, Edward burst out in laughter and once again I was hypnotized by his sweet breath wafting over my face. My insides tingled and there was another unfamiliar sensation in my girly bits. I blushed instantly as if he could feel my sensations.

"Let's do something about that" he said in a husky voice.

"Do something about what?" I asked confused. He chuckled again.

"Silly Bella…" he moved in and claimed my lips again but this time with more urgency. His tongue graced over my bottom lip, asking for permission to enter and I gladly parted my lips, granting him the permission he needed. When his warm tongue slowly entered my mouth I almost screamed out in pleasure. This was the most amazing feeling I've ever felt and the sensations I've felt earlier, increased by a million. His tongue rolled over mine in perfection and I couldn't help the moan that escaped my mouth. I felt his lips curl into a smile while his tongue carried on with teasing the hell out of me. Our tongues danced together while our lips molded together in perfection.

I bucked my hips as my fingers tangled in his crazy fucking hair and I almost cried out when I felt his hardness against my thigh. He moaned and with that he ended out kiss.

"Please don't stop" I begged him.

He closed his eyes and exhaled loudly.

"Bella, believe me when I say that I don't want to stop but we have to" he said with a strained voice.

"Why?" I complained and felt the heat rise to my cheeks. I sound so fucking desperate but I've never wanted anyone before Edward and I'm already so worked up just by a simple kiss. I fucking need him and I want him…

"First of all, we don't have protection and second, I don't think we're ready. I want you to be ready Bella and I don't want you to regret this" he stated his reasons.

"I am ready-"

"You're not. Have you had sex before?" he asked with uncertainty. I shook my head in embarrassment.

"Don't be embarrassed but that's even more reason to wait and be sure about this. I want you…like I've never wanted anyone before but it will kill me if I do this and you regret it tomorrow. I'm sorry" he said and kissed my forehead.

I sighed in defeat because there was no way I was going to change his mine and maybe he had a point. Am I ready for this big step? I mean…it's a huge step and I have to be sure. I want to think about this when I'm sane not while I'm writhing under this man's body. Because let's face it, I can't even think straight while his lips are on mine and I'm not able to make any rational decisions.

"I guess you're right but I'm pretty pissed at you right now" I pouted my lips.

"Why?" he asked.

"For setting my body on fire and then pouring a bucket of ice over me" I said.

He threw his head back and roared in laughter. He looked so fucking sexy that I wanted to rip his clothes off and take him right then and there.

"Will it help if I tell you that you have that same effect on me?" he smiled. I sat up and hugged my knees. He nudged me and I smiled.

"Maybe it helps a little" I smiled.

"Bella, when the time is right, I'll make love to you but we have to be sure and we have to be prepared" he said seriously.

"Okay, but promise me when I'm ready that you won't back down again" I said.

"I promise" he smiled and kissed me chastely.

"I wanted to ask you, what's your plans for after graduation?" I asked.

"I've been accepted into Dartmouth-"

"No shit. Are you serious?" I asked.

"Yeah, I'm serious. What about you?" he asked.

"I've been accepted at Dartmouth as well" I smiled.

"What do you want to study?" he asked.

"I want to be a doctor," I answered him; "It was mine and Toni's dream. What about you?"

"You're going to think this is crazy but I want to be a doctor as well" he smiled.

"Fuck, this is like the best day of my life. It's as if we're destined to be together or something" I said.

"From the first moment I saw you, I knew we were destined to be together. You're everything to me Bella and I'll never let go" he encircled me in his arms and tightened his hold. I sighed in contentment. I had the most amazing man in this world…

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><p><strong>Please review…<strong>


	13. Chapter 11 La Push

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

**Thank you too everyone who took the time to review on the previous chapter.**

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><p><strong>La Push<strong>

**Chapter 11**

**I will be all that you want and get myself together**

**Cause you keep me from falling apart**

**All my life I'll be with you forever**

**(Avril Lavigne)**

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><p><strong>BPOV<strong>

Shopping for a dress with Alice was pure hell. She doesn't understand my style and we had numerous fights. Thank goodness we found a dress the both of us agreed on and I bought the damn thing. I can't wait to go to prom next week…not because of the event or the dress but because I'll spend it with Edward.

I'm on my way to La Push to spend my day with Jake but I really wanted to be with Edward. I haven't seen him since Friday and I really, really miss him so much.

Charlie drove me to La Push. He was going to spend the day with Billie while Jake and I caught up on everything.

"Bells" Charlie said my name with caution.

"Yeah dad?" I asked with a frown.

"When are you going to talk to your mother?" he asked and I sighed. I wish he would just back off. I would talk to her when I'm good and ready…and I'm not good or ready right now.

"Dad, I'll talk to her when I'm ready-"

"Bella, this has gone on long enough-"

"Dad please just drop it." I sighed.

He stopped the cruiser in front of Jake's house and Jake came running out wearing nothing but a short.

"Bells" he yelled as he ran to me. I smiled shyly as he grabbed me and spun me in his arms around and around.

"Jake, put me down" I laughed.

"Hey Charlie" he greeted my father and Charlie nodded. Jake is like a son to Charlie.

"Jake, you're looking good" Charlie cleared his throat.

"I've been working out" Jake smiled and my dad just shook his head.

After we said our hellos, Jake and I went down to the beach. He held my hand and although I know it didn't mean anything to me, I knew it meant something else to Jake so I gently pulled my hand out of his. I didn't want to hurt his feelings but it just felt to intimate for my taste and I just wanted to feel that way with one man…Edward.

We took a seat on the beach and I hugged my knees to my chest. It was times like these that I really missed my brother. It hadn't even been a year yet and already I'm wondering what I'm going to do the rest of my life, living without him. I'll never be a sister-in-law or have nephews or nieces – only if I get married, but it still won't be the same. My children won't have an uncle from my side.

I felt the tears well up as I stared at the waves crushing.

"Are you okay?" Jake asked.

"I…I just miss him, you know?" I sighed.

"I know and I wish I could take your pain away" Jake sighed.

"I'm better Jake. Edward is helping me-"

Jake sighed in irritation and I slowly looked up at him. His jaw was clenched and his eyes were narrowed. Now it was my time to sigh. I know how Jake feels about me but I've never shared his feelings. And his irritation about mine and Edward's relationship is so fucking obvious.

"Bells, how serious are you about this…Edward-guy?" he asked while balling his fists in his black hair.

"Pretty fucking serious." I lashed out, "I've never felt this way about a guy before and what I'm feeling is pretty fucking strong Jake. Edward is my life-"

"Your life? Fuck Bella, are you listening to yourself? You're fucking eighteen years old and you've known this guy for what…about a month, and already he is your life! Are you insane?" he screeched.

I knew he had a point but I can't help what I'm feeling. I'm in love with Edward Cullen and I know I've only known him for a month but…but he IS my life and I can't imagine my life without him.

"I can't help what I'm feeling, Jake. My heart wants Edward" I sighed.

"I'm sorry Bella, I know I promised you only friendship." He sounded really sad and my heart went out to him. He reached for my hand and this time I didn't pull away. He pulled me to my feet and smiled before he pulled me to the water.

"Jake, what has gotten into you?" I laughed as he pulled me into the water. We started running down the beach and screamed and jumped when the waves crashed against our legs.

I ran towards the dry beach and fell down on the sand, laughing. Jake came crushing down next to me and both of our chests were heaving.

"Today was great, thank you Jake" I nudged him with a smile.

"I really enjoyed it. We should do it more often" he said.

"Yeah, we should" I said while staring up at the cliff. "Hey Jake, remember when we were little kids and we used to come here and watch the bigger kids cliff diving?" I asked while looking up at the cliff again.

"Yeah I remember but I'm not a little boy anymore, I'm one of the big guys now and I've been cliff diving for a while now" he smiled widely.

"Really?" I asked astounded.

"Yeah Bella, really. It's so much fun, you should try it sometime" he suggested.

"Will you help me?" I asked.

"Sure, besides, I won't let you jump alone" he smiled.

I kept staring at the cliff as Jake kept rambling on and on about how dangerous cliff diving can be. My heart started beating faster just by the sight of the cliffs.

That night I kept dreaming about cliff diving and the adrenaline rush that goes along with the jump. Even in my dreams I was fucking excited about cliff diving.

The next morning I was in a fucking good mood. I had wonderful dreams and I'm going to see the love of my life today after three miserable days without him. Charlie already left for work and I was all alone. Since Edward's been picking me up in the mornings, the Chief went to work earlier. I smiled to myself while eating on a granola bar. I was so deep in thought that the knock on the door startled me half to death. I swallowed the already chewed granola bar while walking to the door. The loudest shrilling sound escaped my throat and before I knew what I was doing, I jumped into Edward's arms and wrapped my legs around his waist.

He laughed into my neck and it sent shivers down my spine…the good kind of shivers. I pressed my lips to his forehead and ran my fingers through his crazy fucking hair. I dropped my legs to the floor and pulled him into the house.

"Something tells me that you've missed me?" he chuckled while wrapping his arms around my waist.

"So fucking much" I whispered against his lips before I claimed them. Our kiss were urgent and hungry as we sucked and licked each other's lips right before our tongues started dancing together, swirling around each other. I moaned into his mouth and pressed my body against his, which caused Edward to moan as well.

Too soon for my liking, he pulled away and placed a chaste kiss on my lips.

"You'll be the death of me" he chuckled.

"What if I told you that I was ready right now?" I grinned and then pulled my lips into a pout.

He laughed while pinching the bridge of his nose.

"I'll make good on my promise and make love to you right now…but" he held his index finger up to stop me when I instantly moved closer to him; "you're not ready Bella. I _will_ know when you are ready, besides, you need to deal with your hurt and with your mom" he said in a hushed tone.

"Arg, why does everyone keep pushing me about my mom?" I groaned in irritation and pushed Edward's arms off of me when he tried to wrap me in them.

"I'm just worried about you Bella and besides, she's your mom and you need her" he said.

"We're going to be late for school" I said and grabbed my bag before I stormed out of the house. I know I was being childish and treating Edward like shit right now but I knew they were right…both Edward and my Dad. I had to make peace with Renee but I have no idea how to do it. The last time we saw each other was pretty bad and we said some pretty fucked up shit to each other…most of the shit coming out of my mouth.

Edward opened the door for me and I climbed into the car.

"Bella, I'm sorry" he said while taking my hand in his. I haven't even noticed him getting into the car. I felt the welled up tears roll down my cheeks and I sniffled softly so Edward wouldn't notice but he placed his finger under my chin and pulled my face towards him. He gently wiped my tears before his lips touched mine ever so gently. I sighed in content while my eyes slid closed. He cupped my cheeks in the palms of his hands and my eyes fluttered open.

"I am sorry for pushing you" he whispered and my heart jumped into my throat as his breath wafted over my face and at the sincerity in his eyes. Fuck he has absolutely beautiful eyes.

"I'm sorry for freaking out and for acting like a bitch. You didn't deserve it" I smiled. He kissed me chastely before he started the engine and drove to school. We didn't say anything on the way to school. Our hands were entwined while he drove and he only let go to change gears but then he immediately took my hand in his again. The atmosphere in the car was so calm and filled with contentment. I wanted to stay there through the entire day.

Edward walked me to my first class just like every other day, but this day was different because he kissed me in front of the entire class. Their eyes bulged and some of their jaws dropped but Edward didn't give a shit. He kissed the hell out of me before he simply turned around and walked to his own class, but not before I saw the crooked grin I love so much.

At lunch Edward wanted to know about my day with Jake. He didn't seem jealous or anything so I started telling him about my day but I left out the cliff diving idea because I don't know why, but I don't think Edward would want me to do that. I also told him about my day with Alice…I did this with a pained expression. He laughed but kissed the top of my head.

"I was thinking…" I whispered into Edward's ear. He turned his face and smiled at me.

"What's going on in that sexy little head of yours?" he asked with glowing eyes. My breath got caught at his beauty…how is it even possible that this man likes me, plain old me. I'm the luckiest fucking girl on this planet.

"Maybe after prom-"

"No, no, no" he placed his index finger over my lips. "I've got something planned for that night" he smiled.

"You do?" I asked astounded.

"Yup" he nodded his head.

"Aren't you going to tell me?" I asked.

"Nope" he popped the 'p'. "It's a surprise" he leaned in to whisper into my ear and I could feel his lips vibrating against my ears. My body shivered a little and Edward chuckled.

"I hate surprises" I said in a hushed voice while my breathing hitched.

"You'll love this surprise" he whispered again while running his finger up and down my arm, "I guarantee it" he added quickly.

"Get a fucking room" Emmett moaned.

"Fuck off" Edward said without looking away from my eyes.

"You should probably talk to mom again because you haven't learned anything" he laughed loudly while punching Edward playfully on his shoulder. Edward groaned and literally tore his eyes away from mine before he turned to his brother.

"Mom's sex-talk is old news and fucking annoying. I won't even start on yours and Rose's sex-life-"

"Don't drag me into your shit Edward Cullen" Rose interrupted Edward when she heard about her sex-life. Emmett laughed but Rose hit him in his ribs with her elbow and that shut him up pretty quick.

"Then please control your boyfriend" Edward complained with a creased forehead. I wanted to rub the creases out with my index finger.

"I don't want to interfere but Emmett had a point bro, you were practically fucking Bella with your eyes and the other way around" Jasper interceded before Rose and Edward started to argue because that's what they usually do.

"Jazz, you should have just kept your mouth shut" Alice whispered but to everyone's surprise, Edward chuckled.

"You're probably right Jazz" he said with a flushed expression. Edward took my hand in his and kissed the back with his silky soft lips and jolts of electricity ran through my entire body. Our eyes met and I gasped at the intensity in his. "I just can't help the way I feel" he added to everyone's amusement. Luckily the bell rang before Emmett or anyone else could reply on his confession.

I couldn't concentrate in Biology as Edward kept staring at me with the same intensity in his eyes. I couldn't decipher his eyes and the emotions hiding behind them but they did something to me…every single part of me. There was a time that I forgot to breathe and Edward had to remind me to breathe. He chuckled, of course, and I blushed crimson.

I wondered what he was planning after the prom. I wanted to give myself to him that night…I know he thinks I'm not ready but I am. I want to show him how much I care about him and how deep my feelings are for him. I want his hands all over my body and I want to know what it'll feel like when his fingertips roam over my naked body. Will it be electrifying? Will it send me over the edge?

Fuck, who am I kidding? When we were in the meadow my body was on fire just by him kissing me. I know for a fact that he will scorch my body with his touch but still…I want to feel it.

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><p><strong>Please review…<strong>


	14. Chapter 12 Prom part 1

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

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><p><strong>Prom…and everything that follows part I<strong>

**Chapter 12**

**Baby I want you  
>Like the roses want the rain<br>You know I need you  
>Like a poet needs the pain<br>I would give anything  
>My blood, my love, my life<br>If you were in these arms tonight**

**(Bon Jovi)**

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><p><strong>EPOV<strong>

Prom! Need I say more?

This is the event that the girls have been talking about and looking forward to for almost a year. This is where they get to dress up in their fancy little dresses and spend hours in the hair salon to style their hair into perfection and, of course, don't forget the fucking shoes.

I smiled my famous crooked smile. The one Bella loves and confessed that it turns her into mush. I smiled even bigger.

Bella!

Within a month I have fallen head over heels in love with her. I can't even remember how my life was before she came along. I know I was completely miserable and so fucking lonely. Not anymore. Bella has filled every part of my miserable life and I can't even imagine my life without her. I want to be with her forever.

To say I was extremely thrilled that she was attending Dartmouth, was a fucking understatement. I won't have to live through university without Bella and we can spend every day with each other. I have to admit that the idea of attending Dartmouth without Bella was terrifying and it's been haunting me in my dreams every single night but when she admitted that she was attending Dartmouth as well…fuck I was so relieved.

And to top everything off, she offered herself to me. I sighed loudly. I wanted to make love to her so badly but I knew it wouldn't be fair to her or me. Bella is in so much pain and has so much to deal with and I don't want to take advantage of that. To be honest, the thing that bothers me most about Bella…is the look in her eyes. She sometimes has that empty look…as if she wanted to die or something. And it scares the living shit out of me. The worst fucking part is that I have no idea how to help her.

I groaned in frustration as I'm driving down her street. I pulled at my white collar that was just irritating the shit out of me and I groaned again. I hate to wear tuxedos but since I wanted to take the girl of my dreams to prom, I guess I have no choice. I smiled to myself as I parked next to her house. I grabbed the wrist corsage that I bought for her and walked to the door. My hand trembled as I knocked on the door.

Chief Swan opened the door and gave me an overall look. He chewed the inside of his cheek and I almost cracked at how alike Bella and Charlie were. We greeted each other and he moved aside and I walked past him.

"Bella will be ready in a few minutes…I think or I hope" he said as he took a sip of his beer.

"Thank you Chief, I'll just wait…I guess" I said a little awkwardly. Fuck, I had no idea what the hell was wrong with me, I mean, I've known the Chief for a while now and I've never felt awkward around him.

_You weren't dating his daughter back then…ass!_

"Bella's been telling me that you've been talking to her about making peace with her mom?" Charlie asked and I almost choked on my own spit at his bluntness.

"Urm…yeah, but no luck" I stuttered.

Charlie sighed and plopped down on the couch.

"I guess you know that Bella…urm…that she tried to…urm-"

"She told me Chief" I interrupted him since he had a hard time saying that his daughter tried to commit suicide…thank goodness she failed. I would have missed the best thing that has ever happened to me and I never would have known what real love feels like.

"Then you would know that my daughter can't deal with more pain or hurt?" he cocked his eyebrow at me and I couldn't help the huge frown that formed on my forehead.

"I don't understand, Chief" I said in confusion.

"Don't you fucking hurt her Edward…she's all I've got" he said and cleared his throat when we heard her coming down the stairs. I couldn't answer him because she was right there…standing in all of her beauty. I felt my jaw drop as I stared in awe at the girl of my dreams…the fucking love of my very existence.

Bella was wearing a black dress…a very elegant high low dress with a strapless neckline…fucking strapless and it emphasized her beautiful breasts and exposed her silky chest and I found myself wanting to taste her…to press my lips on her chest, just above her peaky breasts, and kiss, suck and lick the fucking hell out of her. I shook my head and moved my eyes lower.

Layers of sheer chiffon lightly grazed her body and hugged her slim silhouette while the high low skirt exposed her endless legs…which made her even sexier than she already was. She wore black satin heels and looked absolutely fucking gorgeous.

_Uh, you're spending too much time with Alice._

Her hair was loose and a bit curly but not too much and her make-up wasn't the usual dark stuff but instead she applied just enough…bringing out her beautiful brown eyes. I kept staring at her gorgeous face and Bella's luscious lips curled into the most beautiful smile I've ever seen on her face and my lips followed hers on their own accord. I smiled widely back at her.

Charlie cleared his throat, of course, fucking up the moment between Bella and me…but I still had to literally tear my eyes away from her radiant beauty.

"Is that for me?" she asked standing next to me all of a sudden. Fuck, I have to get out of this house because I'm so lost…I want to concentrate on Bella and Bella only, but it's a bit hard with the Chief eyeing my every fucking move. I'm a nervous wreck and that's kind of new to me.

"Uh…yeah" I said and handed her the corsage-thing. Alice lectured me about this flower thing that goes around the wrist…I wouldn't know, I've never been to a prom and I don't know these kinds of things. Bella is the first girl important enough for me to take to a prom…she's more than important.

"See you later, Dad" Bella said kissing her dad on his cheek. He gave me a 'fuck with her and your dead' look and then smiled down at his daughter.

"Chief Swan" I said with a nod as we head to the door.

Bella linked her arm through mine as I led her to my car. I let out a huge sigh of relief when I opened the door for Bella and she climbed in. That was the weirdest ten minutes of my entire life. Chief Swan knows how to make a guy uncomfortable…but I have to tell him that I'm not planning on hurting his daughter…ever!

"Bella" I sighed when I climbed into my car and turned to look at her, "you look really, really fucking beautiful tonight…I'm completely breathless" I said and kissed her knuckles.

"You look quite hot yourself" she said while biting her lip and I swear that she was blushing right now and I wished that I could have seen it. I love her blush…I love how it lights up her entire face and make her glow.

"Are you ready?" I asked her and chuckled when she sighed.

"Do we have to go to the prom?" she asked.

I chuckled and leaned in to gently place my lips on hers, kissing her chastely before pulling away…grinning when Bella moaned, clearly stating that she wanted the kiss to go on.

"We'll go, take our picture and dance one dance…then we'll leave" I said while driving to the school.

"You promise?" she asked with her hand on my thigh…gently rubbing up and down. I'm a man; so of course, my dick twitched like mad and almost begged Bella to stroke him. I clenched my jaw and drew in a sharp breath while her hand kept rubbing…

"I promise" I forced out through clenched teeth. "Besides, I've got other plans for you…remember?" I smiled.

We walked into the gym and I instantly heard my sister squealing towards us. She was wearing a tight lilac dress and her hair was pointing in all kinds of directions. I grinned. Mine is just a mess as hers so who am I to judge…but it actually looks like Alice wanted her hair to look like that. Fucking pixie! Lucky me, I'm born with the hair-mess and I wonder how long it took her to mess her hair up. I grinned again.

Rose was wearing the tiniest and tightest red dress and looked absolutely fucking gorgeous…but not as gorgeous as my Bella. I can see a few guys eyeing my girl and the little green monster stuck his head out again…turning into a big fucking monster. I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her closer to me, pressing my lips on top of her head. I just had to make sure that every fucker knew she was mine.

Emmett and Jasper wore the same tuxedos as me but I'm pretty sure my smile or grin was way fucking bigger than theirs. Emmett looked kind of pissed…who could blame him with a girl like Rose. She's always so fucking uptight. Jazz looked stressed but I can't blame him with a girl like my sister. She probably freaked the pour guy out over a pair of shoes or maybe it was the color of her lipstick or maybe it was the way she's done her hair…who knows but with Alice there's always a reason to get stressed!

"Why the dull faces?" I teased. Emmett mocked me and pulled a pained face afterwards while Jazz just shrugged.

"Rose is full of shit again. I don't know what's gotten in to her but she's been really bitchy lately, I mean, her fucking mood swings are really freaking me out" he complained.

"Maybe she needs to get laid" I suggested but Emmett punched my shoulder…hard. I mouthed 'ow' and rubbed my shoulder.

"That's the other thing, she doesn't want to have sex anymore and I can't understand this because Rose's sex drive wasn't normal…if you know what I mean" he nudged Jasper and me. I shook my head at my crazy brother. I really didn't want to hear that.

The girls moved closer to us so we just kept our mouths shut…well, Emmett kept his mouth shut because he was actually the only one talking or complaining about his sex-life. I grinned.

"Let's dance this song and then we'll sneak out of here" I whispered into Bella's ear. She nodded and I led her to the dance floor.

I pulled her into me and she placed one of her hands in mine and the other one rested on my shoulder. I wrapped my one arm around her waist and pulled her closer.

Our bodies swayed to the sounds of _Bon Jovi's, Always._ Bella rested her head on my chest and I swear my heart was pounding so hard that it pounded against her head. I swallowed before I placed a kiss on her head. I love her…I love her more than life itself and I can't wait to tell her this. I can't wait to see the look in her beautiful brown eyes when I tell her that I love her more than life itself. I can't wait to express my love for her…

"Can we go now?" she asked and I chuckled. Guess she likes the prom as much as I like it…that would be 'not at all'.

"Let's get out of here" I whispered while intertwining our hands and slowly moving to the door. I just want to spend the rest of the evening with Bella…alone!

We ran to my car like two crazy kids, giggling all the way…well, Bella tripped a couple of times but we kept running and laughed hysterically when we reached the car. We were both out of breath when we jumped into my car. I couldn't keep my eyes off of Bella, she looked so content…so blissfully fucking happy and I wished she could look like this all the time. I hate it when the sadness crawls into those gorgeous eyes…it fucking consumes her life sometimes and I hate it. Bella's supposed to be happy, like now. It's also thrilling to know that I'm the reason for that happiness.

"So, where are we going?" she asked.

I smiled at her.

"I thought it would be nice if we spend the rest of the night in our meadow" I grinned.

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><p><strong>Please review…<strong>


	15. Chapter 13 Prom part 2

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

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><p><strong>Prom...and everything that follows part II<strong>

**Chapter 13**

**You want commitment  
>Take a look into these eyes<br>They burn with fire  
>Until the end of time<br>I would do anything  
>I'd beg, I'd steal, I'd die<br>To have you in these arms tonight**

**(Bon Jovi)**

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><p><strong>BPOV<strong>

I gasped when he led me into the meadow. There were hundreds of burning lanterns everywhere with soft music playing from a portable CD-player. In the middle of the meadow was a white blanket, covered with red rose petals and in the corner of the blanket was a picnic basket.

Edward came to stand next to me and pulled me to his body.

"Edward...this is just...wow, I don't know what to say" I stumbled over words.

"Don't say anything, this is to show you how much you mean to me Bella" he whispered into my ear and his velvet voice sent shivers down my spine.

He led me to the blanket and I took a seat, folding my legs underneath me. I held on to my purse and smiled…tonight's the night.

Edward took a seat across from me and I noticed that he has taken his jacket off and his tie. He unbuttoned the first few buttons of his shirt and also took his shoes off. He sighed and looked so relaxed…so peaceful. He started unpacking the basket…it wasn't food; it was fruit…strawberries to be exact and whipped cream. He looked at me when he placed the whipped cream on the blanket. His eyes were filled with mystery and passion, I think. Shit, his eyes are a complete mystery tonight.

"What are you up to?" I asked. He chuckled.

"I want you to dance with me" he said and got up. He held his hand out to me and I stared in awe at his hand. He had everything planned. I placed my shaking hand in his and he helped me up. He pulled me into his arms and we swayed to piano music. It was so relaxing…so soothing. I laid my head against his chest and smiled when the familiar sound of his heartbeat filled my ears. His heart was pounding against his chest and was beating so fast…it was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard.

Edward's hand pulled my hair back and I felt his scorching lips rest on my bare shoulder. He kissed my shoulder and my body shivered at his touch.

"I've wanted to do this since you came down your father's stairs" he whispered against my shoulder. I felt his warm tongue glide from my shoulder to my chest…he did this while still moving to the music. I don't even know how he did all this still standing because my legs were buckling and I couldn't concentrate on anything but this man peppering my chest with warm, wet kisses.

"Edward" I breathed out. He raised his head and met my eyes, "I want you" I said out of breath.

"You have me Bella" he said and pressed his lips against my throat. I swear he could feel the pounding of my heart in my throat.

"I want you to make love to me" I said with a trembling voice.

His head snapped up and he clenched his jaw.

"Bella, I didn't bring you here to have sex with you. I want to have a romantic evening with my girlfriend" he said.

"You promised that if I was ready, you would make love to me" I said sadly.

"Bella-"

"Edward, I'm ready…I've been ready a week ago but you thought that I wasn't. I want you" I said and moved closer to his body. I snaked my arms around his neck and tangled my fingers into his crazy fucking hair. I pulled his face down and gently pressed my lips against his. He was hesitant at first but when I gently sucked in his bottom lip he moaned and I felt his lips tremble against mine. His hands went around my waist and his mouth expertly took over our heated kiss. His lips moved against mine and I tugged on his hair, pulling him even closer to me. His tongue slowly graced my bottom lip, begging for permission to enter the warmth of my mouth. I slowly parted my lips and his tongue slowly pushed into my mouth. I whimpered at the sweetness and the warmth when his tongue graced mine. Our tongues moved together hungrily, tasting every inch of each other's mouths.

His hands moved upwards and paused on the zipper of my dress.

"Do it" I whispered into his mouth. He looked into my eyes while slowly zipping down the zipper. My dress slid down my body and dropped onto the grass. I almost laughed at the expression on Edward's face. His eyes bulged and his jaw dropped as I was standing in front of him wearing only black lacey panties. I stepped out of my dress and went to lie down on the blanket. Edward swallowed…hard.

"Are you going to stand there all night?" I purred. He unbuttoned his shirt and lay down next to me.

"You weren't wearing a bra?" he asked huskily. His breath wafted over my face and my girly bits screamed out for him to kiss me and touch me and do all kinds of wonderful things to me.

"Nope" I popped the 'p' and Edward swallowed again. He cocked his eyebrows and traced his index finger from my cheek slowly down my neck and chest, circling both my breasts and then down to my navel. He stopped above the edge of my panties and my hips bucked on their own accord. I whimpered a little when he traced his way back to my cheek.

He grabbed the can of whipped cream and lowered his head down to my breasts. My chest started heaving in anticipation, knowing that his warm mouth was going to cover my nipples. A loud moan escaped my mouth when his hot tongue swirled around my nipple and then his lips closed around my nipple while his tongue kept swirling. He gently nibbled my erect nipple between his teeth and my back arched at the sensations I was starting to feel down below. He did the same thing to my other breast and then he covered both of my breasts with the whipped cream. I shivered a little because the cream was cold. Edward took a strawberry and took a bite…he did it so passionately that my girly bits clamped down and begged me to take Edward right then and there. Then I was wondering if this was how a man would feel if he had an erection and nothing was done to relief him out of his situation. Thank goodness I couldn't get an erection. I smiled.

Edward dragged the half-bitten strawberry through the cream on my breast and rolled it over my lips before he slowly pushed it into my mouth. I moaned while I chewed on the delicious strawberry and I grinned when Edward's eyes turned dark with lust. He bowed his head and licked the cream off of my lips before his tongue plunged into my mouth. He tasted like strawberries and cream and I moaned at the sensations…the intensity that the strawberries and cream created was unbelievable.

Edward kept feeding me strawberries and cream off of my body and it felt so erotic and good. My hips kept bucking upwards with anticipation. He licked my breasts clean and then kissed me with his creamy lips. He tasted so good.

"Bella" he breathed out, "I have to stop…I wasn't planning on sleeping with you and I don't have protection-"

I pressed my fingers over his moving mouth and smiled up at him.

"I have taken care of that" I said and grabbed my purse. I handed him a condom but he still looked so unsure. "Please don't stop Edward. I want this. I'm ready for this" I pleaded with him.

He sighed in defeat when I tangled my fingers in his tousled hair and pulled his lips to mine. I moved my hands down to his shoulders and slipped his shirt off of his body. He sat up and threw his shirt down and my fingers nervously unbuckled his belt and then unbuttoned his pants.

His fingers hooked into my panties and slowly pulled them down. I bucked my hips to help him and then I kicked them off. His hand came back up slowly. The electricity that jolted through my veins by his touch was heaven. He scorched every inch of my skin he touched and I just wanted more. Every part of my body wanted more.

He looked into my eyes; his were filled with passion and lust and love, his lips looked swollen from all the kisses.

"I want to taste you Bella…" he whispered while moving down my body. I've never had sex before…hell, I haven't even gone beyond first base before but I knew what he was saying and my girly bits clapped hands at the thought of his mouth on me.

"Oh my-" I moaned when his fingers moved into my wet center. The sensations were indescribable…my body was going crazy as was my mind. He opened my legs and I could feel his hot breath on my center. A shiver ran down my spine. I felt his two fingers plunge in and out of me and I tried to buck my hips but he held me down with his free hand.

"Ung…please…ung" I pleaded incoherently.

I screamed out when his hot tongue swirled around my clit. I can't even begin to describe the sensations he elicited by doing that to me. I couldn't see clearly and my stomach lurched…in a good way…my heartbeat increased and my breathing hitched. I balled the blanket into my fists when he sucked my clit into his mouth and nibbled gently. Words of profanity escaped my mouth as he kept sucking on my spot and his fingers kept plunging in and out of me. I arched my back and when I thought he had done his worst to my girly bits, I was fucking wrong. He changed positions with his fingers and tongue; his thumb was now caressing my throbbing clit while his tongue plunged into my center. Fireworks erupted in front of my eyes and my body convulsed in pleasure when I reached my orgasm…the first one ever. Edward kept licking me and my body started shaking uncontrollably.

"Fuck" I moaned out loud while stars danced in front of me. When I opened my eyes he was hovering above me, smiling widely.

"You taste so fucking good Bella" he whispered before he claimed my lips. His tongue plunged into my mouth with passion and, as gross as this might sound, I tasted myself on his lips and tongue and it was the most erotic, most intense thing I've ever felt.

"That was…there are no words to tell you how that felt" I said out of breath. He chuckled and kissed me again.

"Bella, are you sure about this?" he asked with uncertainty. I cupped his cheek and smiled.

"I've never been surer about anything in my life" I said in certainty.

"Before we do this, there's something I wanted to tell you" he said. I started taking his pants off and he laughed nervously.

"Then tell me while I take your pants off because you have way too much clothes on" I said while struggling with his pants. He laughed again but then he stilled my hands.

"I want you to look into my eyes while I say this. I want you to see that I'm telling the truth and that I mean every word coming from my mouth" he said.

"This sounds serious" I said.

"It is" he agreed.

"Okay, what's up" I said with my hands still on his zipper. I could feel his dick throbbing against my hand and I bit down on my lip.

"I love you Isabella Marie Swan. I've loved you since the first day you ran into me and I'll love you forever. You are my life now and I'll do anything for you" he said and I felt the tears roll down my cheeks. No man has ever loved me, well, except for my brother and father, of course.

"I love you too" I whispered. Edward smiled and helped me to take his pants and boxers off. My eyes widened a little at the length of his shaft. Wow, that's urm, pretty fucking huge. I saw him tear the package of the condom and stared in awe as he rolled it onto his manhood. His fingers entered me again and I couldn't help the moan that escaped my mouth. I felt myself blush at my loud mouth.

Edward positioned himself in between my legs and my heart sped up. I was nervous, scared and excited all at the same time. I've heard that the first time is painful and that the girl doesn't feel any pleasure while doing it, so you can understand my fear. I'm nervous because, well, this is my first time and I'm not sure that I'll be a good partner for Edward as I don't know what to do or how to move and I'm excited to feel him inside of me, moving inside of me…

He pressed the tip of his dick into my center and I moaned. The thought of what he has done to me a few minutes ago was still fresh in my mind and obviously my girly bits still remembers it too. He stared into my eyes while pushing further into me…slowly and tenderly. I wanted to cry at his gentleness and tenderness. I swallowed harder every time he pushed deeper and then I cried out when I felt him break the barrier between us…my barrier of innocence. The pain was almost unbearable and tears rolled down the sides of my head. Edward stopped and cupped my cheeks.

"Bella, I can't do this…I can't hurt you" he said as if in pain.

I closed my eyes and sighed as the pain faded.

"No, it's okay…it's…I don't know how to explain this right but the pain is fading now. Please, don't stop" I begged him.

"Please tell me when I'm hurting you" he said and I nodded.

He pushed deeper into me and although I could still feel the pain, it wasn't that sore anymore. With every move, the pain faded. He pushed himself all the way into me and I dug my nails into his back at the pleasure he caused my body.

"You feel so good…so tight" he whispered in a trembling voice. He slowly pulled himself out of me before pushing into me again. His movement hit just the right spots and I could feel my next orgasm building. I bucked my hips to meet every thrust. I felt the muscles on his back with every thrust and movement and it felt sexy as hell.

"I'm…so…close" he said through clenched teeth. I felt his pubic bone rub against my clit as he thrust into me and that sent me over the edge. My walls clamped down as my body convulsed around Edward's.

"Ung…so…fucking…good" I screamed out.

Edward moved faster and harder into me before his body tensed up and he screamed out in pure pleasure.

"Fuck…I love you" he screamed out and I could feel his body convulsing and his manhood twitching inside of me. He leaned down and kissed me quickly before pulling himself out of me. I whimpered at the loss of contact. Edward pulled the condom off and he clearly stated his discomfort of the use of condoms. I giggled when he threw the condom down. He pulled me into the crook of his arm and I cradled myself into his body.

"I love you Edward" I said, "that was so beautiful, thank you" I kissed his chest and snuggled back into his arms.

"I love you too but are you okay? Did I hurt you? How are you feeling?" he asked in one breath and I giggled.

"At first it was painful but then as you moved, the pain faded and then I only felt pleasure. So please stop worrying, I'm fine" I said.

"I love you Bella" he said and planted a kiss on top of my head. It felt so good to be in his arms after he made passionate love to me and it felt good to know that he loves me…

"I love you too" I said. "I have to tell you something" I said and felt nervous all of a sudden. I've been thinking about this all week long and I've made a decision about my mother.

"What?" he asked while gently stroking my hair.

"I'm going to Phoenix for two weeks. I've decided that it was time that I talked my shit out with my mother" I groaned.

He chuckled.

"I'm so fucking thrilled that you're going to do that. I've been hoping that you would change your mind and talk to your mom." He kissed my forehead again. "I'm going to miss you like crazy, though" he sighed.

"I'll miss you too but I think this is something I have to do before I go to Dartmouth and start my life…our life" I said with a smile because that sounded so fucking good. I'm going to be with Edward forever.

"When are you leaving?" he asked.

"Tomorrow afternoon" I whispered with a little sadness. I'm going away for two weeks and I won't see the love of my life. I'm going to miss him terribly…

"I'll call every day and text you through the day" he said and I swear I heard a little sadness in his voice as well.

"That would be great because I think I'm going to need you" I said.

"You'll be fine. You are so strong and just remember that I love you so fucking much and that I'm waiting for you when you come back" he whispered.

"You are my life Edward" I whispered and knew this was the truth. I won't be able to live without him. He is the very air that I breathe…the blood pumping through my veins…every single heartbeat!

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><p><strong>This was a bit longer. I hope you enjoyed it. What did you think about Edward and Bella's first time? (Blush) I hope I did good on that. I'm still a little nervous writing lemons…haha. Please tell me in a review what you thought about that.<strong>

****Warning** a few angsty chapters ahead. I'm sorry but this is how I've planned this story and how I want it to play out. This is not going to be a very long story and I'm not stretching out anything…I'm guessing five more chapters but it could be more or less.**


	16. Chapter 14 Painful memories

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

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><p><strong>Painful memories<strong>

**Chapter 14**

**When I said good morning  
>I was lying<br>I was truly thinking of  
>How I might quit waking up<strong>

**(Flyleaf)**

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><p><strong>BPOV<strong>

"Mom" I nodded when I came to a standstill in front of her. My insides were shaking when I took her face in. She looked like shit. Tears started filling her eyes and before she even said a word, the tears rolled over the brims of her eyes.

"Bella" she breathed in relief and enveloped me in her arms. It felt so awkward but I wrapped my arms around her as well. I closed my eyes for a second, taking in the scent of my mother. My heart ached. I have missed her and I'm so glad that my dad and Edward pushed me into coming to her. I needed to do this. I needed to spend time with her and talk about…stuff.

"Let's go home" she said and I grabbed my bags and followed her to her car.

The drive to the house was silent but it was welcomed. I needed to get my emotions intact and steady my breathing and heartbeat. I thought back at Edward's comforting arms when he said goodbye at the airport. His body was trembling and I saw his eyes tearing up. He kept kissing me over and over again until they announced my flight. I'm going to miss him so much and I wish he could have come with. I'm sure he would have if I asked him but I'm pretty sure that he would have told me that this was something I had to do on my own.

I miss the warmth of his arms and body. I miss the way his fingers trembled when he touched me. Last night was the best night of my existence and I know there's more to come. My body aches without Edward and this was going to be the longest two weeks of my life.

"Your room is still the way you left it" Renee said when we entered our home in Phoenix. I smiled at my mother and looked up the staircase with a pain in my chest. How many times had my brother chased me up those stairs? I can still hear his laughter as he caught me by my foot and I fell down. It wasn't always as funny as it sounds…there were times that I would get so pissed at him that I would kick him in his face and there were times that I would get bruises all over and then there were the times when I fell on top of him or on top of any part of his body, now those were the funny times.

My eyes teared up as the memories flooded my brain. I needed him so much. I wanted to see him one more time. I miss him so much.

"How do you stand it in this house?" I asked, my voice thick with tears. My chest heaved in pain as I can still see my brother running up the stairs. Two weeks of this shit? How am I going to keep this up? How am I going to get through this?

"I've learned to live with it Bella. I've learned that if you face your pain and start dealing with it and living with it…well, it gets better and you slowly start to heal. This might be just what you need baby" she said squeezing my hand.

"I want to unpack" I said and slowly walked up the stairs. Framed photos of Toni and me hanged on the wall. I stopped in front of a photo of Toni when he was in first grade. I traced the contours of his face. He was smiling widely with no front teeth. I laugh-sobbed as I continued walking up the stairs, stopping every now and then to look at a photo of Toni. Fuck, I miss him. At Charlie's house are no memories of Toni and that's why I've been having a fucking blast over at his house. It's here…here in my mother's house where most of our memories were. It's here where she still has photos hanging on the walls.

I walked past Toni's old bedroom and my heart ached when I saw the door was open. I couldn't help myself when I peaked in and saw that Renee kept everything the way it was. I viciously wiped the tears from my cheeks and quickly walked away from his room.

It's here…in this house where his room was still the same!

I opened my bedroom door and slowly made my way into my room. Renee wasn't kidding when she said everything was still the same, well, almost. She obviously cleaned up a bit. My entire room was black and white and had a vintage look.

I dropped my bags and fell down on my bed. It felt familiar, yet unfamiliar. I missed my bed at Charlie's house.

"Bellllaaaa" my mother yelled, "dinner's ready"

"Coming" I yelled back and sighed.

I ran down the stairs and met my mother in the kitchen. She made roast chicken with a Greek salad. We sat around the table and ate in silence.

"Your dad tells me that you've been accepted into Dartmouth" she said.

"Yeah" I nodded while chewing on a piece of chicken.

"I'm so happy for you baby. You're going to be great" she smiled.

I sighed. I just wish this tension between us would just fuck off already because it was so screwed up to have a conversation with my mother where I had to think about what I was going to say. I just want everything to be normal again.

"Mom, can we talk?" I asked hesitantly. I was also nervous…this was it. The moment I feared or dreaded the most…talking to my mother.

"I guess we can't put this off any longer" she sighed.

"I'm sorry for freaking out about your decision of switching Toni's machines off. I was hurt and angry that he was stolen away from me" I said and felt the tears filling my eyes.

"Oh, honey, if I believed that there was a chance that he would wake up, I never would have made that decision but you have to know and realize that Toni was already dead baby." She said through her own tears.

"I realize that now, Mom, and I'm so sorry for being selfish during that time. I was only thinking about myself…my pain and my loss. I never thought about what you and Dad went through" I cried. I felt the wall around my heart breaking down as the bitterness I felt towards my mother slowly disappeared. I felt relief wash over me and it felt so fucking good that I started sobbing out loud. I felt Renee's arms wrap around me and cradled me like a little baby. I sobbed loudly into her chest and it felt so good to be comforted by my mother.

"Are you okay, sweetie?" she asked.

"It's just…I've carried this hatred for so long and it really screwed my heart up and just now, when I started talking to you, I've realized that I've forgiven you and that the bitterness disappeared out of my heart. I love you Mom, so much and I've missed you so much" I cried into her chest.

"I love you too honey, and I'm sorry that you had to go through everything on your own. We've dealt with Toni's death in a really stupid way and I'm so sorry for not being there for you" she cried right along with me.

"It's not as if I gave you a chance to be there for me. I've treated you like shit, Mom. I also want to apologize for almost killing myself. That was also a selfish decision and I realize today that life is so precious and I should cherish it" I hiccoughed while my mother wipes my tears. I missed her so much…I missed our talks…our movie-nights…our mother-daughter 'dates'. I just miss her embracing me and telling me that she loves me. How could I have treated my mother so unfairly?

"You and Toni were so close Bella and when he died, it was too painful. He was just gone…his space was empty and it was too much to deal with at the time" she whispered. "I don't want to lose you too Bella. You are all I have now and please, please promise me that you'll never do something like that again"

"Mom, I already promised Dad and Edward but okay, I promise" I smiled through my tears.

"Mmm" my mother hummed, "who is this Edward? I have never seen you with a boy before" Renee smiled.

"Well, I'll just say one thing…you sending me to Forks was the best thing that ever happened to me. Thank you for doing that" I chuckled.

"Tell me about him. I want to know who this lucky guy is who has stolen my daughter's heart" she said.

I relaxed as I started telling her about Edward, from the first time I ran into him until our prom night…urm, well, of course I didn't tell her everything about prom night. I told her how much I loved him and that we were attending Dartmouth together.

My mother and I stayed up late chatting about the last couple of weeks that we've been apart. I've learned that my mother has met someone at the mall. They ran into each other and it was love at first sight. His name is Phil Dwyer and he's a minor league baseball player. I also learned that he is a bit younger than Renee but if he makes her happy, why the hell not. She has been alone since she left Charlie and that's been years. She needs a man in her life, a man who can take care of her and love her.

That night I slept soundly. Toni didn't accuse me in my dreams because I never dreamt about him. I dreamt about Edward and how much I needed him. I dreamt about his touches and how good his lips feel against mine.

Edward made good on his promise; he called me every single night and we talked for an hour or more and during the day, I would receive the hottest text messages from him. I missed him so much and although I'm enjoying spending time with my mother, I really wanted to go home and be with Edward.

I've also met Phil and I really like him. I think Toni would have liked him as well. He is a very laid back guy and I can tell that he is absolutely head over heels in love with my erratic mother. It made me happy to see them together and to witness how young Phil made my mother feel. She was a completely different person when she was around him.

During my visit, Renee and I talked about Toni…a lot! We cried a lot and we laughed a lot about our memories of him. Renee has decided that it was time to pack my brother's room up but I wasn't ready for that. I've been here for almost two weeks and I have to go back to Forks in a few days, but I still haven't had the strength to go into his room. Every time that I thought I was ready; I would freeze in the doorway and just turn around and run away. Another place I've been refusing to go to was his grave. Renee said that she had a headstone put up and everything but I still wasn't ready for that.

I was busy packing my bags and getting all of my stuff together as I was leaving tomorrow morning. I was nervous about today. I've talked to Edward about my fears of going to my brother's grave and he encourage me to go, he said that it might give me some closure and then after that I should go into his room and say goodbye to him and then I should help my mother pack his stuff away. I cried during most of our conversation and Edward tried to comfort me the entire time. I needed him so much. Everything was just so much worse when I wasn't with him; the pain was so much worse and the tears seemed to be more as well.

After breakfast I asked my mother if I could borrow her car. She didn't ask any question, she just handed me the keys. I guess she knew where I was going. I stopped at the shopping center and bought some flowers…white roses to be specific. I don't know why because he's not there, he won't see them anyways but I guess it's a ritual or something.

I stopped at the graveyard and walked straight to his grave. It's weird though, because I was so out of it the day of his funeral that I don't even know how I remembered where his grave was, but I do. My legs started shaking as I came closer to his grave. When I stood in front of the grave, my knees buckled and caved under me. I fell to my knees on the green grass and a raw, painful sob escaped my throat. I remember the day of the funeral when my dad had to drag me away from his coffin and now I can't even stand to be here.

My breaths were short as if I was hyperventilating; sobs still escaped my throat while tears streamed down my face.

I raised my head and stared at the plain headstone…that was so Toni, plain. His name was engraved on the stone with his birth date and death date. My mother had the words _Beloved son, brother and friend_ engraved on the stone as well.

"I miss you so much" I choked out as I placed the roses on to his grave.

"I'll never forget about you Toni, you were my everything; my brother, my best friend and my rock. I love you so, so much" I cried and wrapped my arms around my torso. It felt like I was breaking on the inside and the pain was excruciating.

"It's been so hard without you but I have to go on…I have to learn how to live without you and how to go through everything without you. I'm just so used to you being there every time I needed something and now you're just gone and I have to rely on myself. I'm scared shitless because I've met this guy and I've been relying on him a lot and I'm scared of losing him too because then I'll be alone again. I think that's my problem…I can't be alone and I constantly need someone to take care of me. I partly blame you because you made it your job to take care of me…you never thought about who will take care of me when you're gone" I cried out and pounded my fists against the soft grass. My eyes caught the ugly scars on my wrists and I cried even harder. I hate what I've done to myself. I hate that I'll always have these horrific scars to remind me of my stupidity and, of course, the pain of losing my brother.

"I'm going back to Forks tomorrow and I don't think I'll be coming back here. It's just hard and I need to let go of you…that's so much easier said than done but I'm going to try. I'll always think about you and I'll always love and miss you but I think I'll be doing those things in a healthy way from now on. Thank you for being the best fucking brother in this world to me" I smiled through tears. The words on his headstone were blurring from my tears. I slowly rose to my feet and smiled.

"Goodbye Toni, I love you" I whispered through a sob and walked away.

I had to calm down before I drove back to my mother's house. The hardest part wasn't done yet, I still had his room ahead of me.

My mother waited for me with open arms when I walked through the door. I ran straight into her arms and held on to her as tightly as I could. I cried my heart out as she comforted me as only my mother could.

"Mom, I'm ready for Toni's room now" I sobbed. She gently stroked my hair and nodded her head.

"Let's go" she said through her own tears.

The first thing that happened when I walked through the doorway was, of course, the shakes. My body trembled like a crazy person but I just kept walking into his room. My chest heaved and my heart ached all the way into the pit of my stomach but I knew I couldn't chicken out. I had to do this because I was leaving tomorrow and I don't have a fucking clue when I'll see my mother again.

I walked straight to his bed and crawled onto it. I let my face fall into his pillows and I could still smell him on them. I inhaled deeply before a raw sob escaped my throat again. My throat was raw and hoarse from all the crying but I had to get through this. I just had to.

"Baby, let's get started" Mom whispered but I couldn't get myself to get off of his bed. I kept inhaling his scent and cried even harder as realization sunk even deeper…he's not coming back. I'll never inhale his scent again or feel his body or hear his laughter. His gone! His gone…forever!

Suddenly I heard Edward's voice speaking to me from my heart. It felt weird but also so fucking good. It felt so real and it felt like he was sewing up the wounds in my heart.

"_Get up Love, you are the strongest person I know and I know you can do this. You'll get through this baby, find the strength to get up"_

I literally tore myself away from Toni's pillows and crawled off of his bed. I stood in the middle of the room, feeling so lost but we started putting his things into boxes. My mother gave me Toni's CD-collection and at first I didn't want it but the more I thought about it, the more I wanted his CD's. I packed them into a box and smiled at my mother.

We laughed at some stuff and cried at others but the best thing about being in my dead brother's room was the fact that my mother was there with me and that we've bonded even more. We've grown so close over the last two weeks but here in Toni's room was something different, something special. We're closer than ever before.

When we started packing up his clothes we laughed through tears and cried through laughter…weird, I know but with every shirt or pants or socks, we took a whiff…not of the underwear though. It was ridiculous because the clothes smelled like fabric softener but we still did it anyways. It still had a distinctive smell to it which reminded us of Toni.

When we were done with everything I went to his bed and picked up his pillow, inhaling one last time before I dropped the pillow down onto his bed. I smiled and felt so good that I've done this. It felt like I just took a huge step forward and I'm so proud of myself.

I grabbed the framed photo on his nightstand of Toni and me and left his room with a light heart. I held the photo to my heart and went back to my room. I text Edward about my day but instead of him texting me back, he called me.

"Hey" I answered my phone.

"Hey gorgeous. How are you feeling?" he asked and I could hear the concern in his voice.

"I'm good actually. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever done but I went to his grave and said goodbye and then me and my mother packed his things away and cleaned up his room. The room was the hardest because I fell down on his bed and once I inhaled his scent I couldn't let go" I said sadly.

"I'm so proud of you baby. I knew you were strong" he said.

"You kept me strong. I really didn't want to let go of his pillow and then I heard your voice speaking through my heart and I found the strength to get up and do what I had too" I said proudly.

"I'm really proud of you Bella. I wish I could have been there to help you through everything but I also realize that this was something you had to do on your own" he said.

"I wanted you to be here with me. If ever there was a time that I've needed you, it was today but in a weird kind of way, you were here with me. You are in my heart…always" I smiled.

"I miss you terribly and I can't wait to see you tomorrow" he said.

"I miss you too"

"I'm going to say goodbye Love. I'll see you at the airport" he said sadly.

"I love you so much Edward" I said.

"Love you too baby…sleep well" he said and hung up.

I felt sad again after speaking to Edward. I really missed him now and I literally wished the time away.

I spent the last night with my mom just talking about stuff. We watched a movie and I curled up next to her on the couch. I'm going to miss her and I wanted to be close to her while I still can.

This visit to my mother was truly amazing. I feel like a different person and it feels as if a huge weight has been lifting off of my shoulders. My heart feels so light after I've let go of the hatred and bitterness and I feel so much closer to my mother. I have my mother back and I only realize now how important a mother is in a girl's life. I'll never let anything come between us again…

I slept peacefully that night. I was going home in the morning and see the love of my life.

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><p><strong>Please review…<strong>


	17. Chapter 15 Summer

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters!**

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><p><strong>Summer<strong>

**Chapter 15**

**You're worth so much  
>it'll never be enough<br>to see what you have to give  
>how beautiful you are<br>(skillet)**

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><p><strong>EPOV<strong>

This summer was one of the best summers I have ever lived through. I have spent every single day with the love of my life since she has returned from her mother.

The two weeks she visited her mother was the hardest for me. I had missed her profusely…words are not enough to explain to you how much I have missed her. My nights were spent dreaming about her; touching her silky body, kissing her plumpy lips, nibbling on her pouty bottom lip, gracing her tongue torturously…if I continue this I'm going to have a very hard problem to take care of but you get the picture. My dreams were filled making passionate love to Bella and then of course, my mornings were spent in the shower rubbing one off after all those erotic dreams.

I grinned.

My days were the longest…ever! I've spent it in our meadow but then I'll see Bella's naked body sprawled out on that white blanket, covered in whipped cream and surrounded by red rose petals. I had to spend my afternoons in the shower as well. It's a little embarrassing to think about this. I have never felt the need to rub one off this much. I would just think about Bella and I would get a hard on.

So I refused to go back to the meadow while Bella was in Phoenix. I spend a few hours in front of my piano or guitar and practiced a few songs. I listened to music or read a few books and I went out with my siblings and their partners. That was…urm…pure torture. They were groping each other all the time or kissing all the time or they were just clingy and it was fucking annoying because my girl was a few hours away and I couldn't hold her or kiss her.

The day she came back was also torturous because Charlie took the day off work and he spend the entire day with Bella. I acted like a five year old and threw a tantrum before I kissed her goodbye and came back to my house. To say I was pissed was a huge fucking understatement. I was looking forward to spending the day with my Bella and not with _Charlie_ and Bella. Of course, I know I was being selfish and I realized it that night when I was lying in my bed thinking about Bella. I tried to call her but she didn't answer her phone and I knew she was pissed at me.

I didn't dream of Bella's body that night, instead I dreamt that she was in a horrible accident and that I had lost her forever. I woke with a start, sweat dripping from my body and tears streaming down my face. The dream felt so real and I found myself really terrified of losing Bella. I didn't even hesitate; I dialed her number immediately and sighed in relief when she answered the phone still sleeping. I chuckled and told her that I loved her immensely and that I will see her early the next morning. She just mumbled that I was fucking crazy but that she loved me too. She sounded so adorable and I couldn't wait to get to her.

The Chief's cruiser was gone when I went to her house the next morning and I entered the house after knocking and no one answered. I found Bella still sleeping in her bed and I just couldn't help myself, I crawled into bed with her and after I touched her all over her gorgeous body, she woke up and we made the hottest, passionate love ever! I apologized for my foolish behavior and all was forgiven.

We have a week left of our summer before we have to leave for Dartmouth. I'm very excited about this and Bella is just as excited. Since we're leaving in a week, she is spending the day down at La Push with Jacob. I sighed. I still don't like the guy but he is Bella's friend and she trusts him.

My phone started ringing but I didn't recognize the number. I thought that maybe it was Bella; I've been having a really bad feeling since I woke up this morning.

"Edward Cullen" I answered the call.

"This is Jacob. There was an accident-"

"What kind of an accident?" I interrupted him and jumped to my feet.

"Just get to the hospital" he said and hung up.

**BPOV**

"Are you excited about Dartmouth?" Jake asked me.

"Hell yeah! I can't wait" I said excitedly.

"I'm going to miss you Bells" he sighed.

I nudged him with my shoulder and laid my head on his shoulder.

"I'll miss you too but I'll be back Jake. You are my best friend and I'll never forget about you"

We sat in silence for a few minutes.

I miss Edward terribly today. As I'm sitting on this beach and staring at the ocean, I have a desperate need for him. We have grown even closer since I returned from Phoenix and the intimacy between us…wow! It's as if I can't get enough of Edward and the other way around.

"Are you up for the cliff diving today?" he asked me.

"That's why I'm here" I smiled.

"That fucking hurt Bella. I thought you came to spend some time with me" Jake said in mocked pain.

I laughed at his facial expression.

"Don't worry you big oaf, I'm here because of you but you suggested that we do the cliff diving today" I punched his shoulder.

I didn't tell Edward this part because I know he will complete freak out.

"Let's get to it then" he jumped to his feet and held a hand out to me. I placed my hand in his and he pulled me up. We started walking into the forest towards the cliffs. My heartbeat was already increasing and I could feel the adrenaline rush through my veins as my entire body was shaking in anticipation.

When we reached the top, I undressed since I wore my black bikini underneath my clothes and Jake took his shirt off.

"Okay" he inhaled deeply, "you jump first and then I'll follow when I see you come up"

"Okay" I said as my heart pounded against my chest.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm…I don't know, excited and scared at the same time" I confessed.

"It's the adrenaline pumping. You'll be fine and you'll want to do this again" he smiled.

I walked to the edge of the cliff and looked down. I saw the waves crash against the cliffs and the waves looked so white from here…and angry. I leaned over a little to get a better view…

"Bella, be careful-" Jake yelled.

My foot slipped on the cliff and I tried to balance myself but it was too late. I slipped and hit my head against the edge of the cliff as I fell down…down…down…into the raging ocean. My head pounded as I hit the angry waves and went under the water.

As I sunk deeper and deeper, I saw the water turning red where blood gushed out of my head. I looked to my left and saw my brother's body floating towards me. He was smiling widely at me as he reached his hand out to me. I closed my eyes and smiled back at him and reached for his hand. I could feel myself slipping away. Someone grabbed my other hand and my head snapped to see what was going on. Edward was floating at my other side with a look of panic. He pulled me towards him but then my brother pulled me towards him again. They were playing tug-o-war with my body and I was torn in two. I loved my brother…so fucking much but I love Edward too. I love Edward with a depth that I can't even begin to explain to myself. I don't want to lose him and I don't want to leave him. I felt myself slipping away as darkness took over…

**EPOV**

"What the hell happened?" I asked to no one in particular.

Charlie was the only one in the waiting area and I wondered where the hell Jacob Black was?

"Where is Jacob?" I asked.

"After he pulled Bella out of the water he called me and I suppose that he called you as well. I rushed down to La Push and found them on the beach. Jake started telling me what happened when he went into shock and they had to sedate him. He is sleeping soundly in his room, I think" he sighed.

I was about to ask him what happened when the doctor came around the corner.

"Doc, please tell me that my baby girl is going to be okay?" Charlie choked out. He looked so pale and he looked terrified.

"She's a very lucky girl Charlie. She has a little concussion and a very deep cut on her forehead. She's going to be a little tired but she's going to be fine" he said and slapped Charlie on his back.

"When can I see her?" Charlie asked.

"We're just making her comfortable in a room then I'll come and get you" he said. The doctor left and Charlie turned to me. He had tears rolling down his cheeks.

"What happened?" I asked him.

"Jake told me but he was in so much shock that most of the words came out incoherently" he sighed.

"Please tell me?" I begged.

"From what I can tell, she jumped off that cliff Edward. After she promised me that she will never try to take her own life again…she fucking jumped off a cliff. She almost died" he sobbed.

My chest tightened at Charlie's words. She not only promised him but she promised me as well. And here I thought she was getting better…what the fuck happened? Don't I mean anything to her? Does my love for her mean nothing to her?

"You can see her now" he said to Charlie and me. I followed Charlie with a clenched jaw. I don't know what to do. I can't lose her but I can't live my life every day in fear that she might try and off herself. This isn't healthy behavior.

I almost lost it when I walked into her room. She was paler than usual and she had huge black circles around her eyes and a huge plaster that probably covered the cut on her forehead.

Charlie started sobbing when he grabbed her hand and it felt like I was intruding. I looked down at Bella and felt the tears well up in my eyes. It blurred my vision. My heart broke into a million pieces while I looked down at the love of my life. Will she ever know how much I truly love her? Will she ever believe that she is needed in my life because I won't be able to live in a world we she doesn't exist? Will my love ever be enough for her to try and live a life with me?

Looking at her lying in this hospital bed gives me my fucking answer.

No!

I'll never be enough for Bella and my love will never be enough for her.

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><p><strong>Please please please review!<strong>

**Please don't be angry at Edward. **

**The end is near people *sniff sniff* - a few more angsty chapters ahead!**


	18. Chapter 16 Losing you

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters!**

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><p><strong>Losing you!<strong>

**Chapter 16**

**Is this the end of the moment or just a beautiful unfolding?**

**Of a love that will never be or maybe be**

**Everything that I never thought could happen or ever come to pass and I wonder**

**If maybe, maybe I could be all you ever dreamed**

**(Safetysuit)**

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><p><strong>EPOV<strong>

We've been sitting in her room for almost three hours. Charlie and I refuse to leave her side before she wakes up. I really need to speak to her.

I sighed.

This was going to be the hardest conversation I have ever had to have with someone but I can't go on like this. I can't!

"Charlie, can I ask you something?" I whispered.

"Sure. What's up?" he asked.

"When she wakes up, would you mind if I talk to her first?" I begged.

"I know what you are going to do, I can see it in your eyes and frankly Son, I don't blame you. But are you sure you have thought this through?" he asked.

"I can't go on like this. I love her more than life itself but I can't do this anymore because she's not only hurting herself or you and her mom, but she's hurting me more than words can say" I said looking straight into Charlie's eyes.

"I have seen a really big change in my daughter's life since you came into the picture. Her eyes had their glow back and she laughed again. She's been really happy since she met you-"

"If that was true Chief, she wouldn't lie in this bed right now" I interrupted him because his words broke my heart into tiny little pieces.

"Edward?"

Charlie and my heads snapped up to look at Bella who has just called my name out. Her eyes fluttered and she swallowed a couple of times.

"I'll give you a minute" Charlie said before he turned to leave the room.

"Uh, Charlie" I called him back and waited for him to look at me before I continued. "Please just wait by the door, this won't take long and I want you to be here when I leave" I whispered. He just nodded before he left.

I waited patiently for Bella to open her eyes and look at me. My chest tightened at the realization of what I was about to do. I love her so fucking much and it is going to take every ounce of energy I have to leave this room today. Not to mention how I'm going to live without her.

"Edward?" she whispered in a hoarse voice. I looked up and straight into her gorgeous brown pools and tears filled my eyes.

"Hey" I croaked out.

"I'm so thirsty" she whispered.

I grabbed a glass with a straw and helped her up to drink a little water.

"How long have I been here?" she asked.

"A few hours" I whispered back. I tried to look everywhere but in her eyes.

"I'm sorry about this" she said and that just fueled my anger.

"What are you sorry about exactly Bella? Are you sorry for your actions or are you sorry that you are alive?" I asked a little harshly. I remember the time when she told me how she tried to kill herself and how sorry she was when she woke up and found that she wasn't dead but still alive.

"Excuse me? Why are you so angry?" she asked in confusion. She hissed and her hand shot up and reached for the plaster that covered her cut.

"I have just realized that I will never be enough for you. It fucking hurts to know this but I can't ignore it anymore. My love isn't enough to keep you alive,_ I_ am not enough to keep you alive!" I said in exhaustion as tears rolled down my cheeks.

"What the hell are you talking about?" she asked.

"I can't do this anymore Bella. I can't live with this fear every day that you might do something to yourself. I fucking love you Bella. This isn't a joke. This is my life as well and I'm sorry but I am not going to sit back and hope that one day I might be enough to keep you on this earth. I can't live in a world where you don't exist and I'm not going to sit back and watch you fade away because of your-"

"Edward I don't know what the hell you are talking about but you are scaring me" she interrupted me.

"I am scared every single day of losing you. You are scaring the shit out of me Bella. Every time you leave a room or leave my house or whatever, I wonder what you are going to do to yourself. I really thought you were getting better after you came back from Phoenix-"

"I am better" she yelled.

"You have a shitty way of expressing that"

"What are you saying Edward?" she asked with tears in her eyes and it broke me to see her like this. Am I doing the right thing by leaving her? Will I be strong enough to live this through?

"I love you Bella and there will never be another for me but you are hurting me more than I can say by trying to kill yourself. I can't do this anymore"

"I think there's some kind of misunder-"

"Please don't make this harder than it already is" I sobbed out. Tears were flowing freely down my cheeks.

"Please don't do this to me" she pleaded.

"I'm sorry Love. I'll always love you but I can't help you. I thought that I could, I thought that my love could pull you through but it's not enough…fuck, that hurts so much Bella. I have to go" I sobbed. I was crying full blown now.

I leaned over her and gently kissed her on her lips one last time before I whispered, "I'll always love you, never doubt that"

I turned around to leave but then she started freaking out. She screamed and yelled at me. Her sobs broke my heart.

Charlie came into the room and rushed to Bella's side. He pulled her into his arms and she sobbed into his chest. I cried along with her and just when my hand reached for the door knob she yelled at me.

"You promised that you will never leave me! You fucking promised me"

I closed my eyes as my chest tightened at her words. I slowly turned around and looked straight into her brown eyes.

"You promised me that you will never try to take your life again Bella, and you broke that promise" I whispered and quickly left her room. I could hear her sobbing all the way down the hall and I started running to get away from her sobs. I just had to get out of this hospital.

There was only one place I wanted to be right now and I want to get there before I completely break down.

**BPOV**

"Daddy, I don't understand" I sobbed after Edward rushed out of my room.

"Shhh, baby girl. Don't think about it" he rocked my body.

"Where does he get the idea that I wanted to kill myself? I don't understand how he can think that I will break the only promise I have ever made to him, you and mom" I cried out.

I felt my dad froze and he pulled away from me. He looked down into my eyes with a confused expression.

"You mean, you didn't try to kill yourself?" he asked me.

I laughed sarcastically.

"I don't blame you for thinking that but no, I didn't try to kill myself. I have too much to live for now daddy; you and mom and then Edward!" I explained.

"Then what the hell were you doing on that cliff?" he asked in anger.

"Jake and I wanted to cliff dive. I slipped and hit my head against the edge of the cliff before I fell into the water" I explained.

"Oh fuck! It's my fault" Charlie said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Jake only told me that you jumped off of the cliff because he was in so much shock that he couldn't speak a coherent word. I jumped to conclusions Bella" he said.

"What do you mean?" I asked annoyed.

"I told Edward that you tried to kill yourself"

"Dad, no! How could you do that?" I yelled.

"I'm sorry baby but Jake didn't make much sense and I know you tried it once-"

"So you thought that I would try it again after I promised you, dad, that I will never do that again" I lashed out. My head was pounding painfully but I couldn't give a shit about that. I have to find Edward and explain this to him…after I knocked some sense into his big sexy head.

"I have to get out of here. I have to get to Edward" I said while climbing out of the bed. I pulled the IV's out of my arms.

"Bells, please don't do that" Charlie begged.

"Where is my clothes?" I asked, ignoring his pleas.

"Urm, you don't have any. You had a bikini on when they brought you in" he laughed. I huffed.

"That will do then" I said. I grabbed my bikini and went into the bathroom to change. My head was throbbing and I was in so much pain but I'm checking myself out of this hospital to save my fucking relationship with the man I love. I can't believe that he left me just now….

_Do you fucking blame him? He thought you tried to kill yourself after you promised that you wouldn't do it again._

He could have let me explain. Whatever! It doesn't matter now, I have to find him.

I came out of the bathroom and Charlie's eyes widened. He cleared his throat a couple of times before he took his jacket off.

"There's no way you are going out there wearing _that_" he explained. I chuckled.

"Thanks Dad" I kissed his cheek and left the room.

The doctor had a huge problem with me leaving the hospital but I didn't give a shit. He explained that if something happened to me now, that he will not be held responsible. I just shrugged and signed myself out. Charlie apologized profusely to all of them while I walked to his cruiser.

While I waited for Charlie, I called Edward's house from Charlie's cell and asked Emmett if Edward was there. He said that he hasn't seen Edward in a while. I sighed. If he is not at his house, where the hell could he be?

Charlie climbed into his cruiser and turned to me.

"What now? Where is Edward?" he asked.

"I'll give you directions and you can just drop me off if his car is there" I said.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yeah Dad, I'm sure. I have to save the only best thing that has ever happened to me before it is too late" I whispered. My heart is broken over Edward's words and the fact that he left me. I can't lose him as well. He is my fucking life.

"Okay kiddo, let's go" he smiled.

I gave him directions and he drove to our meadow. When we reached the place, sure as hell, Edward's car was there. My heart sped away. I was nervous and scared that he wouldn't listen to me and that this might be too late already but I had to try.

"Thanks Dad" I kissed his cheek before I climbed out.

"Hey Bells, I love you and I'm so happy that you are okay. I'm sorry I screwed up" he said.

"Thanks Dad, I'll see you at home and I'll tell you if you really screwed up" I chuckled.

I started walking to our meadow thinking what I would say to him. I tried to find the rage or anger I'm supposed to have for him but couldn't find anything. There was only fear that I might lose him forever. This is all a big fucking misunderstanding and I hope that I can fix it now because I don't know what I'll do without him.

I heard loud sobbing when I neared the meadow and my heart broke hearing him cry like that. It just tells me that he is broken over our break-up and that maybe I have a chance to fix us.

I walked into our meadow and found him on his knees crying his heart out. My chest tightened at the sight of my man on his knees, all broken!

I walked closer to him and with each step my heart pounded painfully against my chest. Not to mention my fucking head. Plus, I was so exhausted and every muscle in my body ached.

"Edward" I whispered behind him. He slowly lifted his head and sniffled but he didn't turn around. I sighed and walked past him to face him. His forehead creased as he looked at me.

"Bella?" he asked in a hoarse voice. He looked confused as if he couldn't believe that I was real.

"I'm not going to let you go. You misunderstood everything that has happened and I'm not leaving here until I have explained myself. If you still want to leave me then I'll go…I'll walk away from you and never look back" I said and crossed my arms.

"What are you wearing?" he asked softly. I frowned but then I remembered that I was wearing my bikini.

"I had this on when I was brought into the hospital" I sighed. He frowned again and I chuckled. I took my dad's jacket off, standing before him in only my bikini. I stretched my arms out and twirled around and around.

"Do you think a girl that is about to commit suicide will have time to change into her bikini?" I asked sarcastically while twirling some more.

"Bella-"

"No, it's your turn to listen to me Edward. I didn't go to those cliffs to kill myself. My dad misunderstood what Jake was trying to tell him and he assumed that I tried to kill myself. Do you really think I would break my promise to you?" I asked with tears in my eyes. He stood up and tried to comfort me but I pulled away shaking my head. "Not until you hear what I have to say" I said.

"I'm listening Bella" he said in defeat.

"I asked Jake if we could go cliff diving and he agreed. I was supposed to jump first and then he will follow when he saw me coming up from under the water. I leaned over to far because I wanted to see the waves crashing against the cliffs when my foot slipped and I fell. I hit my head against the edge of the cliff before I fell and lost consciousness under the water. I can't tell you how I got out because I don't remember and I don't know where Jake is right now to answer my damn questions" I said.

"Bella-"

"I would never try to kill myself again Edward. Don't you see how you've changed my life and how important you are to me? I love you for crying out loud and your love is ALL I need to survive. YOU are more than enough for me to stay on this earth and to live my life with you. I love you Edward and I need you more than you can ever know" I sobbed. "Question is; do you believe me?"

He walked closer to me and cupped my face in between his hands.

"You had me at 'Edward' when you came into the meadow" he smiled.

"Does that mean-"

"That means that I'm sorry for freaking out and for leaving you. That means that I love you so fucking much that it actually hurts and that I'll never leave you again…if you can forgive me for giving up on us?"

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><p><strong>Please review.<strong>

**Last chapter is next and there will be no EPI for this story.**


	19. Chapter 17 Forever

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

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><p><strong>Forever!<strong>

**Chapter 17**

**I've found a reason for me**

**To change who I used to be**

**A reason to start over new**

**and the reason is you**

**(Hoobastank)**

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><p><strong>EPOV<strong>

My heart pounded painfully while I waited for her answer.

"I wouldn't be here if I haven't forgiven you already" she whispered.

"Really?" I asked her in relief.

Since I left the hospital, I was a fucking mess. I completely lost it when I arrived here at our meadow and I've been bawling my fucking eyes out. I knew when I fell to my knees that I've made a huge mistake leaving Bella. I knew that there was no way that I was going to be able to live without her. I wanted to go back to her room and beg her to take me back because I couldn't even live through an hour without her let alone forever. She is my life and I need her more than anything in this world.

"Really! This was just one big misunderstanding but I would appreciate it if you would listen to my side of the story next time. Hear me out before you make your own assumptions because I almost died in that hospital room after you left. I died on the inside when I realized that you were serious and that I've lost you. If it weren't for Charlie I would still be there bawling my eyes out" she smiled.

"I'm sorry I didn't give you a chance to explain yourself. What did Charlie do?" I asked.

"He explained why you thought that I killed myself and then I realized that you were under the wrong impression. I checked myself out of the hospital and Charlie drove me to our meadow" she smiled.

I pulled her into my arms and held her tightly as tears of happiness flowed down my cheeks. My heart swelled as Bella's presence and love healed my broken heart and my love for her overflowed.

"I love you so much Bella" I whispered and kissed her on her head.

"I love you too" she said.

"How are you feeling Love?" I asked when I realized that she has just checked herself out of the hospital.

"I'm tired as hell and my head is fucking killing me" she said.

"Let's get you home then" I said and let her out of my arms. My arms felt cold and empty without her in them but I'm worried about her and I wanted to get her home and into bed.

"I know you are worried about me but can I ask you one favor?" she asked.

"Anything" I said.

"Kiss me Edward" she pleaded and blushed crimson.

I chuckled as I stood closer to her. I cupped her gorgeous face between the palms of my hands and slowly lowered my lips to connect with hers. Warmth flooded my veins as our lips connected and my heart exploded with scorching heat as she parted her plumpy lips for me to enter her mouth. I slowly graced my tongue over her bottom lip, which erupted a sexy moan from Bella. I plunged my tongue into her mouth and teased her tongue a little before our tongues started dancing together. Our lips moved in unison while our tongues fought for dominance.

I'm losing control as Bella's tongue swirled around mine; so sweet and hot. A growl escaped my throat when she snaked her hands around my neck and crawled into my crazy fucking hair. She tangled her fingers in my hair and pulled me even closer to her lips, deepening the kiss that's going to lead to something much more intimate. I moaned into her hot mouth and she took that as a sign to continue.

"Bella, baby" I whispered into her mouth while I slowly pulled away from her. She moaned and stomped her little foot. I chuckled because she looked sexy as hell when she pout her lip like that and stomp her foot.

"We don't have protection baby and you are in desperate need of a bed and some much needed sleep" I said.

"What if I told you that I've been on the pill for three weeks now? I wanted to surprise you" she asked in a very tempting way.

"You still need to get into bed" I said but the darkness in her eyes already won me over.

"I'm in desperate need to feel the love of my life inside of me, bringing me indescribable pleasures" she reached behind her and unclasped her bikini top. I stared in awe as the top fell to the ground and her perfect peaks looked back at me, begging me to take them into my mouth. I groaned before I took her into my arms again and gently laid her onto the soft grass.

Our lips moved together and I can't believe that a few hours ago I left this woman. I can't believe that I thought that I would be able to live without her. She is my life.

I placed wet kisses down her jawline and then her collarbone and stopped at her left breast. I pulled her nipple into my mouth and gently sucked it into my warm mouth while flicking her right nipple between my thumb and index finger. Bella's body writhed underneath my touch and the moans that escaped her sexy mouth made my dick twitch.

I sat up and started taking my clothes off and then I helped Bella out of her bikini bottom. My eyes roamed over her perfect body before my hand crawled up her legs and onto her inner thighs before my finger slipped into her already soaking wet center. Her hips bucked when I slipped a second finger in while my thumb played with her clit.

"So…fucking…good" she whimpered and arched her back. I increased my speed and before long she came onto my fingers. I loved watching Bella orgasm. It was the sexiest, most erotic thing I've ever seen. Her entire face changes and her eyes turn dark with pleasure and lust. She sighed in contentment when her body relaxed. I slowly pulled my fingers out and her body shivered at the loss of contact.

"Do you have any idea how fucking beautiful you are?" I asked her as I crawled in between her legs.

I positioned myself at her center and I wanted to cry when I pushed into her scorching center. Entering Bella bare was beyond fucking amazing. She felt so good, so hot and so wet. Bella moaned out loud and wrapped her legs around my hips. I cried out when I pushed deeper into her.

Bella looked into my eyes while I thrust deeper and deeper into her. She dug her nails into my back with each thrust and I was just about to lose it.

"I love you so much baby" I said through clenched teeth as I increased my speed.

"I love…oh fuck…don't stop!" she yelled.

I looked down at Bella while she once again rode out her orgasm. I felt her walls clamped down around my dick and it felt amazing. The stars started dancing in front of my eyes as I came inside of my Bella. I emptied my seed into the love of my life and my body convulsed in pure and erotic pleasure. My dick twitched inside of her and Bella giggled.

"Do you like that?" I asked out of breath.

"It feels funny but so fucking good. I can't believe the huge difference a condom makes…I never want to use those again. Bare is just so much better" she sighed.

"I won't argue with that one baby" I smiled. I slowly pulled out of her and sat back to look at my beautiful Bella. She moaned when I pulled out of her but I don't blame her because being buried inside of her is so much better. Bella's legs were still spread open and my dick twitched when I saw our combined juices on her inner thigh. Her center glistened in front of me and I groaned.

I shook my head and lay down next to Bella, pulling her into the crook of my arm.

"Promise me that we'll always be this happy" she whispered.

"I promise baby" I said and kissed her head.

"I will love you forever Edward" she said.

"Forever baby!" I agreed.

"When I went under the water and I thought I was going to die; I saw two images, you and my brother. You and my brother played tug-o-war with my body. I knew that if I went to my brother's side that I was going to die and I almost went to his side but then you appeared and you looked terrified over the thought of losing me and you pulled me back to your side. At that moment I realized that I don't want to leave you. I want to live with you and for you. I love you so much and I never want to be without you…even in death" she confessed and my heartbeat sped up.

"What are you saying Bella?" I asked.

"You saved me Edward. You saved me from a deep depression and you showed me that there is life after Toni's death. You showed me that I can live through my pain. You are my tourniquet Edward!" she smiled.

"I'm so proud of you Bella. I just loved you, you did the rest yourself" I smiled down at her.

"I couldn't have done it without you. Thank you for being in my life and for loving me. Thank you for looking at these scars on my wrists with so much love that I don't even notice them anymore. Thank you for being the tourniquet to my broken and bleeding heart and for healing me completely" she said now with tears in her eyes.

At that moment I saw how far Bella has come. There is life in her eyes and she's glowing. She chose me…even if it was a vision while she was sinking…she chose me. She chose to be with me and live for me. I am enough for my Bella and my love is enough for her.

I am her Tourniquet!

The End!

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><p><strong>Please Review.<strong>

**Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed this story. Thank you for supporting this story and to those of you who has supported my other stories…thank you so much!**

**You guys rock and you inspire me to write and continue writing my stories.**

**This story was very special to me because it reminded me of my own brother's death and how painful everything was. I never tried to kill myself but the thoughts were there! Losing someone who is very close to you and whom you love more than anything in this world is very hard and to live through that pain is really hard. I wrote this story while thinking about him and I'm dedicating this to him!**


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